![The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Bible: Spiritual Recovery from Narcissistic and Emotional Abuse [Paperback] Shannon L. Alder](https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/81ZmbdyBG4L._AC_UL165_SR165,165_.jpg)
This book has been tremendously validating and healing for me as I process the abuse I experienced at the church where I first came to faith and where I had also been employed for thirteen years (but am no longer employed there).
The book makes the distinction between the Christian view of being "nice" and thinking "everyone is basically a good person," and the Biblical view that there are evil people who exhibit rage, jealousy, scorn, and contempt for others. I have a personal theory that some people are projectors (narcissists who blame everything external, including you) and some people are absorbers (the empath who then feels at fault but who is not source of the problem), and this book validates my theory in a way.
In retrospect, the church I worked at was extremely corrupt. For the first 6-7 years, I had a controlling, narcissistic female boss who projected shame onto me numerous times and was insanely controlling. I was in my twenties and new to faith in Christ and naively thought that everyone who worked in a church was a true follower of Christ. I dreaded our weekly meetings and how she tried to dig into my personal life and be the voice of the Holy Spirit, meanwhile she never divulged anything personal about herself.
I then was promoted to the IT department where I had a male narcissistic boss. At first I was the golden child, which made me uncomfortable but whatever. I enjoyed the work and the relational aspects of the role. I began to notice that he interrupted me a lot, he said "uh-huh" at weird places in a conversation in a robotic way, he argued with every single thing I said, he refused to listen, he was extremely insecure about being wrong, and he went out of his way to do the exact opposite of stated preferences, to the. point where I could successfully use reverse psychology to get what I wanted. He contradicted himself from conversation to conversation and he had no original thought. If he had to present something in front of others for five minutes, we had to meet for hours and hours in order for him to feel prepared.
One day during a meeting, the mask dropped and he began raging at me in his office (I had not attended a weekend conference that he had expected me to attend - it was purely an optional offering of the church and had nothing to do with work or him but I saw a pattern of narcissistic stalking where he had to know where I was at all times and any change in my patterns caused blame/rage/controlling behaviors/punishment). I reported the rage outbreak to HR who did not handle it correctly. At that point, I was the target of a smear campaign. He constantly bullied and verbally attacked me, even in front of others in our department. He fed lies about my performance to HR, randomly confronting me with "mis-behavior," and culminating in a fake performance appraisal saying how disappointed he was in me and listed fake projects that didn't exist but that I had "let slip through the cracks." I had to sign it or speak up, so I took it to HR who ultimately let me go because "you don't respect your supervisor." This despite an anti-harassment policy that "XYZ church prohibits retaliation against employees who report harassment," and I had a lot of documentation of the bullying and toxic behaviors that had been going on.
I am thankful to be out of there. What man means for evil, God means for good. I'm in a season of healing and this book is excellent. It points me to dependence on Jesus Christ alone and points me to gratitude for grace I do not deserve.
The church had a lot of unhealthy things going on. Several of my friends suspect that the senior pastor is a narcissist, and I can see that. About two years before I was let go, he came to the staff with a list of "winning behaviors" that all staff must adhere to in order to "make the bride of Christ as beautiful as she can be before the Lord returns." We had monthly meetings as a staff to keep us accountable to the following: tithe 10%, participate or lead a small group and must use his curriculum, serve 5-10 hours outside of 40-hour work week, attend service each week, sponsor 4 families into membership each year, I can't remember what else but it was like impossible. We had to "grade ourselves" on the list. This is very cult-like behavior and everyone was exhausted, fearful, and anxious. All these reports were being run on who was and was not doing what. That is NOT the gospel for any who are reading this.
Other unhealthiness at that church include a (at the time married) female friend whose supervisor is a male married "pastor" there, 40+ years her senior, during one-on-one meetings expressing attraction for her. That is abuse of power. Another friend got married last year and as soon as she moved in with her new husband, he became emotionally and physically abusive, ultimately she moved out and divorced him, meanwhile the "discipline team" at the church banned her from the table, forced her to quit her ministry to kids there, and sent her letters about how sinful she is, even one that had a checkbox and signature line indicating whether she thought she was sinning for getting a divorce. Meanwhile no one addressed the heinous sin of narcissistic abuse in the (now ex-) husband.
This book is correct in saying, "It does not matter how much praise a narcissist receives, they will focus on the slight." (p. 119). My narc ex-supervisor felt slighted when I reported him to HR for inappropriate behavior, and he took it out on me.
Things I am grateful for: I learned to lay down my will and trust God by my boss arguing with everything I said. I refused to argue back, kept silent, and trusted the Lord, and things always worked out. Galatians 1:10 became my life verse and I was (mostly) freed from people-pleasing. After the negative appraisal, I had the insight, "I am not your negative opinion of me." I found a healthier church that has been a tremendous source of healing and new friendships in my life. I pray almost daily for humility and total dependence on God for all things. I realized I had a spiritual ego in a way, working at a church, and I felt it crumble away when I drove away for the last time. Now that I am free from the long list of demands from the senior pastor, I have a normal, balanced life where I can do fun things and be myself.
I have studied theology now for nearly 15 years and find this book to resonate and be Biblically accurate as far as my own journey and awareness have taken me.
If you have been the victim of spiritual or religious abuse, you are not alone.
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Popular Highlights in this book
God does not view “narcissism” as a mere personality disorder. He sees narcissistic behavior as an evil that is driven by what is in a person’s heart.Highlighted by 871 Kindle readers- "Insolent pride" is more than just pride. It is pride that is contemptuous, looking down on others.Highlighted by 840 Kindle readers
- The problem’s source and solution start in the heart. The mind simply serves the heart. That’s one explanation for why a narcissist can appear to be self-contradictory by quickly taking the opposite position of something he just said. His mixed signals display the mixed motives of his heart.Highlighted by 710 Kindle readers
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Spot On!!! Pure Evil ....
Praise the Lord that I found this book! I am only on page 30 and I am blown away by how spot on it describes my husband of 15 years. Never in my life had I known before such a person nor fully understood the “the world” in Biblical terms until living with this man, living with evil. Persecuted in my own home. I cannot wait to keep reading and learn more.!! Thank you for writing this book & thank you Amazon for suggesting it!
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- Cliente AmazonReviewed in Brazil on April 5, 2019
Essential for Christians dealing with narcissists
Format: KindleVerified Purchase - JadeReviewed in the United Kingdom on January 30, 2020
Worth far more than the asking price
Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase - Paula MurrayReviewed in the United Kingdom on January 11, 2023
Excellent read
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