PP 256: The Bigger Heart with Kristine Grant

We can only own and receive what we feel we deserve.” -Kristine Grant 

Kristine Grant serves as licensed marriage and family therapist. She writes powerful letters to help others who are overwhelmed with their relationship challenges to “voice out” their truest, deepest thoughts and feelings. Since she started ghostwriting, Kristine has helped countless individuals to rebuild their relationships or let go of the past, knowing that they have in them the power to move forward as the bigger person.

In this episode, Kristine shares how she has helped others rebuild their relationship and avoid potential power struggles. Tune in and discover the power of a letter, how to have a warm, heartfelt communication, how fear often turns into hurt, how we need to honor ourselves by acknowledging our feelings, and more!

 

Highlights:

01:27 The Power of Letters
07:46 The Power Struggle
12:20 Challenge Yourself to be Bigger
17:38 Take a Stand for Yourself 
20:10 Stop Getting Attached to Outcomes
24:56 Don’t Step Into the Land of Assumptions
29:23 The Benefits of Journaling
33:31 Make for Yourself a “New” Year

Can’t say it personally? Write a letter! Learn the art of letter writing and feel empowered in your heart with @thekimsutton and @KristineRoseG. #positive productivity #podcast #communication #letters #powerstruggle #bluesblahs&bliss #honoryourself #NEWyear #journals #biggerheart #assumptions #relationshipissuesClick To Tweet

Connect with Kristine

Kristine Rose Grant has an in-depth background within the realm of human relationships. She has in-depth experience gleaned from her previous career as a Marriage & Family Therapist and Educational Psychologist. She is a retired school psychologist and has previously taught various college courses such as Human Development, Law & Ethics, and Social Concerns as an adjunct faculty professor at National University in San Diego.  Kristine received her master’s degree in counseling at the University of San Diego in 1990— She received post-graduate credentials in school counseling and psychology at Chapman University, San Diego in 1999. She also has an in-depth background in various subtle energy healing modalities. Kristine currently helps others in a much broader capacity within the scope of Relationship Coaching.

Resources Mentioned

 

Inspirational Quotes:

07:32 “Sometimes we just don’t know how to communicate the best way and often we respond a lot faster than we should, and we don’t give a thought.” –Kim Sutton

07:57 “When there’s a crack in the communication, often we go into a sense of fear. The fear turns into defensiveness and sometimes the defensiveness can turn into offensiveness, and hence, your power struggle.” -Kristine Grant

09:55 “Wouldn’t it be amazing for children to know that while their parents’ marriage didn’t last, their connection as a family is still intact?” -Kristine Grant

10:40 “We co-create, essentially, our experiences. Every relationship is an opportunity for us to grow as individuals and to learn more about ourselves.”  -Kristine Grant

11:58 “When the parents are honoring themselves, they teach their children to also honor themselves, because parents are the first teachers.” -Kristine Grant

21:39 “When we have a conversation with someone, it can be very powerful and effective as well. But the written word is received in a way that holds a deeper meaning.”  -Kristine Grant

28:40 “Letters will open the door, but you have to keep that door open.” -Kristine Grant     

31:04 “Being a victim is a way of participating. So you have to look at all the players and the dynamics in the story that’s been created.” -Kristine Grant

33:53 “We can only own and receive what we feel we deserve.” -Kristine Grant  

Episode Transcription

Kim Sutton: Welcome to the Positive Productivity Podcast, Episode 256. Today’s episode of the Positive Productivity Podcast is brought to you by the positive productivity pod created to empower entrepreneurs to achieve and appreciate personal and professional success without burnout. The pod offers weekly group coaching sessions, online courses, a private member community, and tons more. To learn more about the pod and to sign up visit positiveproductivitypod.com. See you on the inside. The Positive Productivity Podcast was created to empower entrepreneurs to achieve and appreciate personal and professional success. I’m your host Kim Sutton, and if you’re ready, let’s jump into today’s episode.

Welcome back to another episode of Positive Productivity. This is your host Kim Sutton and I’m so thrilled to have you here with us today. I’m also thrilled to introduce our guest, Kristine Grant, a relationship coach and intuitive ghost writer and the owner of Inspired Heart. Kristine, welcome, and I’m so happy to have you here.

Kristine Grant: Kim, it’s my pleasure. I’ve been looking forward to this for quite a while. So thank you for having me.

Kim Sutton: Oh, you’re so welcome. Kristine, can you share a bit of your story with the listeners and let them know how you became a ghostwriter and relationship coach.

Kristine Grant: Okay. Well, my background is also as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.  One of the reasons I became a relationship coach is my special modality for helping clients is very unusual, and not totally within the scope of the licensure for marriage and family therapy. But I can use it as an amazing coaching tool. And what it is, drumroll, is I actually ghostwrite letters for my clients to their significant other. In other words, people that may feel overwhelmed, emotionally stuck, having some type of any type of relationship challenged by the way, often, either procrastinate, you know starting to move towards healing that issue, they don’t know where to begin, or how to approach the dilemma. And their heart is sad, their hearts may be frustrated, maybe even feeling angry or resentful. What I do as a relationship coach, but more importantly, an intuitive writer is, for some reason, I’m easily able to bypass the client’s ego, their old emotional wound, their imprints from childhood, or whatever obstructs their deeper, clearer view of the situation at hand. And I’m able to write their letter for them, which invokes a positive or dynamic response. And more than that, they’re able to kind of let go knowing they’ve put their best foot forward to reclaim or to course correct the situation at hand, I also write letters for people that want to write a deeper, more loving, kind of message that enhances a positive relationship that’s already in place, but again, maybe writing or maybe expressing themselves is not their forte. And I’m able to actually feel that person’s higher, what I call their higher self, again, moving past the ego, but into who they are their best higher self, and I touch the heart of the other. So I absolutely am so passionate about what I do. And I’ve been doing this for well over 12, 13 I think close to 14 years now.

Kim Sutton: How did you get into this, Kristine?

Kristine Grant: Well, it was really funny. When you are a therapist type, often you’ll have friends and people you made that will kind of try to pick your brains. And I had a neighbor Janie who was dating this guy and he happened to be an attorney and she thought he was a wonderful person, but she just wasn’t feeling that chemistry. She wasn’t drawn to having any kind of romantic exchange or relationship with him. Yet he kept pursuing her he was leaving flowers at her door and little gifts and he was calling and she’s a sensitive person herself. She didn’t want to hurt his feelings. So she came to me and she goes, gosh, I don’t know what to do, I would really love to have be my friend. And actually, I have some legal matters I would really appreciate having help with, but I don’t want to hurt his feelings. I don’t want to, you know, not be friends with him. I really want to keep our friend aspect of our relationship but I don’t want to mislead him. So I appreciated her sentiments. And I encouraged her to just be really straight with him. I mean, nobody wants to be led down a primrose path, and just be honest. And she said, Well, I don’t know. I’m not very good at expressing myself. That way I get nervous. I stumble. I make verbal foe pause. I just feel like I’m gonna just make a more of a mess of things than anything. So then I suggested she write him a note. And I told her not an email, because that just doesn’t have the emotional flavor that an actual handwritten note will have. And then she did have to do an email, at least personalize it in some way. So she thought, okay, that’s a great idea. Before she sent it, she came over and she read her note. And I said, Oh, my God, really? Janie, this is kind of, I don’t know, I would not send it. I think it might be offensive. It sounds a little strange, a little grovelling. I just don’t think it’s going to be very effective. And I took it upon myself to write the note for her. And I said, here, give him that. And she went, Wow. Okay, so she did long story short, not only are they friends to this day, and I think he got married five years ago to lovely lady. But he did all of her legal work for her free of charge, filed all the papers, wrote the letters, etc. And she was so thrilled that she started telling other friends about what I had done. And then the phone was starting to ring with friends asking requests for their relationship dilemmas. And we went from there.

Kim Sutton: Wow. Having been in a previous marriage before my marriage, now, I can see how communication can be a struggle sometimes. I mean, I was with my ex for 13 years and I think it would be fairly safe to assume that we said a lot of hurtful things because we didn’t really know how to communicate what we were actually feeling. So it always came out bad, I know what I’m trying to say whether or not it comes out of my mouth. But this is what this is exactly what comes up in relationships. Sometimes we just don’t know how to communicate the best way. And often we respond a lot faster than we should and we don’t give a thought. It sounds like you’re helping your clients with a lot of those issues and more.

Kristine Grant: Well, you know, Kim, what you’re talking about is the good old power struggle, right? And when we’re having a division in a relationship, when there’s a falling out, when there’s a crack in the communication, often we go into a sense of fear. And the fear turns into defensiveness. And sometimes the defensiveness can turn to offensiveness and hence your power struggle. I’ve written so many letters for people that are either contemplating a breakup or divorce, as well as people who have already separated. In fact in my new book that’s soon to be published, I have a whole chapter dedicated to divorce, What about the kids? When we’re writing a letter or when we’re actually experiencing a challenge in our relationship, and it’s hurtful. Absolutely. But we should stop and consider all the players that may be affected, as well as the future. For example, in those letters with marriages that are falling apart, and there are children involved. Too often, the parents are in such an immediate sense of turmoil and struggle and stress and they’re scared or they’re angry, or they just have so much resentment under their belt or its surface to the point where they don’t wish to communicate. But if they could leave those bags at the door, and go a little bit deeper and look at the consequences and the impact, those kids, their children for example, one day, we’ll look back at their family album, or their videos, whatever is the memory of their childhood, and what are they to see, would it be nice if their mom and dad whether they’re together in marriage or not be both present at those celebrations and those marked events, weddings, graduations, births, etc. Wouldn’t that be amazing for those children to know that while they’re marriage didn’t perhaps last, their connection as a family is still intact.

Kim Sutton: Coming from a divorced house myself, and having been divorced myself, Oh, yeah, that would have been huge for me as a child knowing that, you know, there was a school function, they could sit in the same row as each other.

Kristine Grant: Exactly. So taking that consideration, maybe putting our and I go back to ego, and I’m not diminishing what painful events may have led to the divorce or separation. But I think we co create, essentially, our experiences. In every relationship, the good, the bad, and the ugly, are opportunities for us to grow as individuals and to really learn more about ourselves. When we feel “triggered” by another, instead of reacting to the trigger, maybe pause and look at Wow, have that awareness, I am being triggered. And why am I being triggered? And, you know, what is this bringing up for me. Really looking at clearing those pressure points, those triggers that cause us to react is essential in our own health. So the healing letters that I help people with, whether you’re writing your own, or I help you with one, it’s a way to honor yourself more than anyone else. And even going back to the kids and the family and if there’s a divorce, etc. When the parents are really honoring themselves. They teach their children in kind to also honor themselves, because our kids learn how to solve problems by observing how our parents do it, because parents are the first teachers, obviously.

Kim Sutton: Kristine, this episode is going to air on the first of the year. Listeners, if you’re listening in the future, we’re airing this on January 1, 2018. I don’t normally put a time stamp on. But what words of advice would you have for a listener listening today for how they can really get this year started in the best light?

Kristine Grant: You know it’s interesting, once I was on a transition radio, and it was around the holidays, and the subject was blues, blahs, or bliss, you choose. In other words with the holidays coming up, often there are uncomfortable situations for people that don’t enjoy the best of relationships, and they feel like, Gee, I I have to spend time with my in-laws or stepkids or people that I don’t feel close to, or appreciated, or honored by and how do I get through the holidays? So that was that. If this is January 1st, we’ve gone through the holidays. So it may be a wonderful time to reflect on how can I move into the new year 2018 in grace, being the better person and showing up for myself by clearing up any disconnects, or sick connects, or falling out one of the biggest letter requests I get, believe it or not, and I have yet to find a book on it and Barnes and Noble, because I think there’s so much shame around it. But so many families commonly have falling outs with family members, or friends or people that are part of their core, family dynamic, and they haven’t spoken to them, or the relationship is so difficult and so strained, so awkward that they try and who not communicate with one another as much as possible. And those disconnects can last for decades. I just wrote a letter for a man in Nebraska who had not spoken to his daughter in 30 years. And now he has an illness. He’s not that old, but he’s ill. And he did not want to leave the planet with possibly leaving a message to his daughter who was only 10 or 12 when he left her life, that she was somehow unlovable or not enough, or that it was her fault. Unfortunately, some people it takes a tragedy or a timeline or a sense of Aha, oh my gosh, I have to fix this now or may never be “fixed” at these transitional times. What I’m saying is, again, let go of the baggage. And back to the new year, start your new year, feeling empowered in your heart. We can all have successful businesses and do wonderful things in the world and helping others. But if our own heart has some strings pulling on it, that don’t feel always so good, and we possibly ignore it, or we try to, you know, distract ourselves with other things and not think about it too much, because after all, there’s not anything I can do. Or it’s been so long, no one’s going to, you know, really listen to me now, whatever the rhetoric that we talk ourselves into our out of is about. I say, let’s clean it up. So often, I’ll help someone write a letter to another significant other to problem solve, and reconnect and heal. And the person that has hired me to write the letter says, Wow, I feel like I can sleep at night. I feel lighter. I’ve got a brighter smile on my face. So do yourself that gift in the new year by seeking to really heal those old or newer relationship dilemmas or conflicts, challenge yourself to have a bigger heart to be the bigger person, if you will. And to live your life in that type of grace. I guarantee you, your step will be lighter, and your year will be better.

Kim Sutton: I love every little bit of that every big and small bit of that I should say. Listeners, in our pre chat, I was sharing with Kristine that just this morning, I sent a letter of resignation to a client. And I was sleeping on it for a week, it was in my drafts. Whether these letters that you need to write are to current or a strange friends or family or even clients or team members. Give yourself the grace to communicate. Because I can’t even tell you how good I feel having finally pushed send. Kristine, I even tell you that this is probably my biggest client of this year. Like I know how it impacted me financially. However, sometimes, the financial benefits don’t outweigh the emotional side effects, right?

Kristine Grant: In my opinion, I absolutely agree with you Kim and congratulations for taking a stand for yourself. If we rely on the material world, like oh, I have this client, and therefore that client is bringing me this and so I’m going to compromise myself in order to bring that then that means you’re living a life of lack and limitation, instead of trusting that everything is provided and in bigger and better ways. And I’m sorry if the woowoo in me is coming out right now. But truly, I believe that as we believe we projected out into the universe, and it comes back to us. So what you’re telling me by taking again, that stand for yourself, honoring who you are your principles, your boundaries, your sense of integrity, and your reputation, even, as to how your business unfolds, grows and bloom’s without any muckiness to it, not subjugating yourself to lowering your standards or anything like that. I have such a deep respect for what you’ve done, which also translates to your own sense of deeper self respect. And my sense is, this is a win not a loss on so many levels.

Kim Sutton: I’m over here nodding like you can see it. And when we were chatting about this in the pre chat, you mentioned something about sending the message out and not really worrying. And you might need to correct how I say this, but not really worrying about the responses received because at least we’ve put it out there. And I have to admit, I was worried. I was worried that I was going to see that pop up on my email that I got a response. But when you said that I was like, you know, I wrote the best letter that I could and I was, I don’t think compassionate is the right word. I was professional and kind and said what needed to be said, while getting my message across without being hurtful. And I’m not saying that we can always do that. But when you said that to me in the pre chat, I realized I don’t need to be afraid of that response because I know now that I did what I needed to do. And you’re so right. Yeah. It could be the woo woo and both of us actually. But after I sent it, I know that something bigger and better and more in alignment with who I am, is on its way.

Kristine Grant: Absolutely Kim. That letter was a gift to Kim Sutton more than anything else. And the little mantra we can always use is, you may have heard this one before his “I am no longer attached to outcomes.” And that’s when you walk your talk. When you live in who you are, truly. I mean, why even bother all the energy of building a business and being a creative and all of that, if it’s not going to be a blessing journey, where you really can face the day with that light, fluffy, fabulous sense of beautiful apprehension for all the things that are coming your way rather than saying, Well, you know, it’s kind of nagging me here and it doesn’t feel right but it pays the bills. No, that’s not in keeping with who we really are. And I think, at this time on the planet, that’s who we’re being called to step into our purpose, who we are, and how we are being. The whole I am. So I applaud you. I deep respect for you. The other thing that I wanted to just mention about letter writing is, it’s a different form of art as opposed to the art of conversation. When we have a conversation with someone, it can be very powerful and effective as well. But the written word is received in a way that holds a deeper meaning. And it can be read and re read as opposed to having a conversation where the other person is already thinking about their response without fully listening. So it’s a different form of listening. I was writing these letters just as gifts to people that would call after Janie’s first letter for four years, until one lady had been stopped by her ex boyfriend for three years. And he was not a very nice man. And she was scared. And so her friends encouraged her to call me. I wrote the letter to the “stalker”. He responded with a polite, short, polite note and that was 10 years ago, she would carry the letter in her purse and read it throughout the day for resolve because she was very frightened of this individual. But it ended. It stopped. And it didn’t stop with a power struggle. So there is an art to how we communicate. And it sounds like you took the higher road in your letter to this client that you certainly could have gotten into, you know, I can’t believe you did this, I told you about that, whatever. Instead, you took it to a different claim, and one that would actually be like an imprint or a mark about who you are. And again, how you roll through this world, with your business in full integrity, and no unnecessary bags. So very good.

Kim Sutton: Thank you. And I’ve definitely sent messages. Not recently, I would have to say it’s probably been a few years. I’ve definitely sent messages in the heat of the moment, without giving thought to it. I remember even writing hand written notes in high school, because something had gotten me really upset. But as I’ve gotten older, a lot of my mentors have taught me about not burning bridges. And listeners, and Kristine, you’ve all heard me talk about, I was married previously, I have a better relationship now with my ex than I did before because communication has improved. Kristine, you were so right when you said when we’re speaking via voice, or I guess you can speak via voice on paper too, but out of our mouths and in a conversation face to face. I have been so guilty of trying to come up with my response and not really listening to the message. And I’ve had to tell my kids don’t say anything, listen to what I’m saying and don’t try to come back with something, usually it’s like how they actually did do their chore when I know they didn’t, you know. Just hear me out. But we can all be guilty of not hearing the other person out. So I think that is such a incredible point about the power of a letter, because it can be rewritten. I’d never thought about that before. Re-read, I meant.

Kristine Grant: Exactly. And the thing is, unfortunately, when we are upset, and we all are, we’re emotional people, or I guess because we’re people, we’re emotional. At any rate, we can fall into what I call the land of assumptions. Assuming somebody said or did something because of this and that we attach our a story to it. What I do, I don’t have your story and that’s why I’m able to write these amazing letters. If my letters weren’t resulting in astounding healings and helping lift people out of their dilemma, emotionally and circumstantially, I wouldn’t bother, but it has been so profound. When you were touching upon divorce and anger and all that, one story comes to mind where this lady contacted me, her husband after 20 years, just up and left. She thought they had a pretty good marriage, you know, very cool, in her words, typical occasional little spat, but nothing major. They’ve raised two children, their kids were well into their teen years, when one day, hubby said, you know, I’m gonna change my life and move on. I’m closing the chapter on us and I’m filing for divorce. He did not have another woman wasn’t anything like that. He just really wanted to call it a midlife crisis. I don’t know, I wasn’t there at the time, but he wanted to have an abrupt change in his world. Well, this devastated this poor lady. And over the course of the following 16 years, she managed to put on about 50 pounds of weight. She didn’t have much of a personal life at all. She actually had two first dates in the span of those 16 years. And she grew to have very codependent relationships with the children, which often resulted in a lot of just emotional struggles and again, family issues and the manipulations of one type or another. And, essentially, she was pretty miserable. She just went to work, went home, and had a very limited life. So I wrote the letter to her ex husband from her and mmediately, and I’m not kidding. Immediately, this lady booked herself on a trip to Australia, New Zealand and Hawaii, she started taking ballroom dance classes, she shed many pounds, and she started online dating. And she said that she felt reborn, just from that one letter months down the road, there was a family reunion, where the ex husband who had over the years, remarried. Again, he didn’t leave her for someone else. It just happened along the way. And she wrote to me and said, she couldn’t believe just the energy around that family reunion was so beautiful, that the ex husband treated her with such consideration. He was gentle. He was kind. He was very amenable. And it just turned out to be such a different type of event than it would have been had they been stuck in the old pattern of resentment, and hurt and pain. So again, this is just an example of what can happen with a wonderful communication, which opens the door. Letters will open the door, then you have to keep that door open. You have to maintain the new boundary or your heart’s desire or a new sense of rapport, and really throw away the old unhealthy patterns the way you used to relate. That’s very important. That’s very key in my book, which will be out soon. And it will be entitled, Your heart My Words. I give many prescriptions for helping people to maintain healthier connections, and new bondings once the door has been opened through the letter.

Kim Sutton: Kristine, do you journal?

Kristine Grant: No. But I think people should and actually, that’s one of my prescriptions and I have a whole chapter in the book. And actually my ebook, which I have in a book I will be giving away, and that also suggest journaling and how to journal. But myself, I’m so busy. I don’t normally journal but I think it’s great.

Kim Sutton: Yeah. I can hear that when I’m trying to do too much. I don’t tend to journal. However, journaling for me has been such a great tool for even just communicating the truth with  myself. And when I’m able to do that I can sleep so much better.

Kristine Grant: Oh, I agree there. Because what the journaling can do is it can help with thought sorting. So in other words, you might start journaling with your knee jerk response on how you’re feeling immediately about the given situation at hand, then you can go back and contemplate, okay, if I had a wand, and I could wave the wand and really make everything the way I really want it to be, what would that look like? And then you can go to the empathic part, what’s going on for the other person in the realm of possibility? And how may I have contributed consciously or unconsciously, to the situation at hand? You know, it does take two to tango. And some people may not readily believe that because they feel like, oh, gee, I’ve always been a really great person and I’ve never been hurtful. But being a victim is a way of participating. So you have to look at all the players and the dynamics in the story that’s been created.

Kim Sutton: I have had a tendency of having foot in mouth. I always tried to be kind. But words just come out wrong sometimes and in later conversations, I found that I did hurt somebody just because words, well, as we’ve already discussed, they don’t always come out as we were intending. It just happens. Kristine, this has been an amazing conversation. Thank you so much for joining me and the listeners here today. I’d love if you could share more about your ebook and where listeners can go to find out more about you and to get their copy.

Kristine Grant: Kim, I’d love to. Okay. The name of the ebook is Truly Inspired, Wonderfully Unique a Gift to Heal Your Heart. It’s five ways of being a more effective conscious communicator revealed. Since you don’t have to purchase this, you don’t have to write the full title down, just go to my website inspiredheartletters.com and it will be readily available for you free to download. It’s written by myself, Kristine, that’s what the K K-R-I-S-T-I-N-E middle name Rose Grant, Kristine Rose Grant. So it will give you great tips for helping you to create your own inspired heart letter, which will greatly improve the consequence or the outcome of whatever lies heavy on your heart, and whatever you would like to heal with your significant other.

Kim Sutton: Oh, that’s so beautiful. Listeners, if you’re not able to remember inspiredheartletters.com right now, you can always go over to the show notes page, where you’ll find links to everywhere that you can find Kristine online, and a link to Five ways of being a more effective conscious communicator reveal, Kristine’s ebook. And you can find the show notes page at thekimsutton.com/pp256. Kristine, thank you so much again for being here. Do you have a last golden nugget or piece of parting advice that you can offer to listeners?

Kristine Grant: My parting advice is to really and truly make this new year, exactly that a new year, filled with every joy, every blessing that you feel you can’t have because we can only own and receive what we feel we deserve. So bless who you are. And actually congratulate yourself for listening to this podcast because if you weren’t ready to move forward and your heart wasn’t open to truly received the message, you wouldn’t be here. So thank you for being here. Lots of love to you and have a happy new year.