PP 607: The Key to Self-Empowerment and Happiness with Marta Spirk
“Get to know yourself… Once you get to know yourself, you start understanding people more. And that’s how you improve relationships.” –Marta Spirk
Your identity is not a label. Women often lose their power as they take on additional roles and responsibilities.
This is unnecessary for so many reasons.
Stop defining your life by your roles.
This episode reveals the key to self-empowerment and happiness. ‘See your beauty without a mirror’. You are more than who you think you are.
09:48 We Are More Than Just Our Labels
19:26 Doing It All- What It Means
23:59 Take a Break!
31:59 Reward Yourself
40:05 See Your Beauty Without a Mirror and a Compliment
43:10 Get to Know Yourself
“You do what works best for you. You do what works best for your family… Because if you do not take care of you… You’re not going to have any anything to give anyway.” –Kim Sutton
“So many times, we end up trying to fix the things that we have been doing as moms. Whereas, if we had started paying attention to ourselves and who we really are, even before we had kids, the situation would be would be very different.” –Marta Spirk
“We go through huge transitions all the time… And usually, we don’t have a whole lot of support in these transitions; we just make the best out of it.” –Marta Spirk
“If there’s somebody out there that’s really specializes in that one transition that you’re living right now, why not seek for help, because they understand what you’re going through.” –Marta Spirk
“Moms have the right to do something outside of motherhood.” –Marta Spirk
“It’s really important to take a break and just be with yourself. I feel like this is what is so hard in today’s world where we’re so busy doing so many things for others, that we forget that we need to take care of us too.” –Marta Spirk
“A lot of it can be taken away easier. If you start realizing that it is okay for you to take some time for yourself.” –Marta Spirk
“It’s a lot easier for you to just follow a formula and do what somebody else is doing. But it doesn’t work 100% all the time with anything, because we’re all different. That’s the human piece in there, that kind of ruins everything, but at the same time makes things more fun.” –Marta Spirk
“How do you ever expect to have anything if you don’t get specific about what you want and figure out what you want? Because we don’t spend time thinking about these things.” –Marta Spirk
“Our relationships with people are a direct reflection of our relationships with ourselves.” –Marta Spirk
“There was never a time when there is 100% balance. You’re constantly just trying to find it.” –Marta Spirk
“Balance… is you figuring out over time how to delegate or allocate your time in good proportions for different things.” –Marta Spirk
“If we find a way of learning how to really see our own beauty and see who we are without depending on others to do it for us, then that’s true happiness, and that’s true fulfilment and a happy life.” –Marta Spirk
About Marta Spirk:
Marta Spirk was born and raised in Brazil but she was always fascinated with the English culture. She was an English Teacher, Translator and Interpreter before she transitioned to another page of her story as a married woman and a triplet’s mom. This shift wasn’t easy but her journey in finding empowerment and happiness continues as she lives to her belief in self-love and self-awareness. To her clients, she is more than just a coach and a teacher but a living evidence of how great a woman can be, even while performing multiple roles.
“Get to know yourself. What do you really want out of life? Who are you? Do you really know who you are? We don’t take time to think about these things. One of the things that I always recommend people do, and I know there are several different personality tests out there, but I recommend taking the enneagram tests if you haven’t cause that’s by far the one that I have identified the most with, and it really, really gives you insight not only into yourself but other people too, because that’s the beauty of getting to know yourself. Once you get to know yourself, you start understanding people more and that’s how you improve relationships, because you understand where they’re coming from. Probably, somewhere different than you are coming from, but then you know you start making connections and it’s a lot more pleasant to be around people and to make relationships better.”
Kim Sutton: Welcome back to another episode of Positive Productivity. This is your host, Kim Sutton, and I am so excited to have you here today. I’m excited about our guests, and I want to tell you actually why I’m excited about our guests. Marta Spirk, is a success coach from Mom Does it All, let me try saying that again. Positive Productivity does not mean perfection and we do have bloopers. Mom Does it All, is where Marta from, and I want to share that we actually met on Instagram of all places about six months ago. So to all of you listeners, be mindful of what you’re doing online, who you’re talking to, and I mean that in the best way because you don’t know where new relationships will come from. You don’t know where a new friendship will come from. You don’t do know where new podcast guest, or otherwise opportunity will come from. So put yourself out there, be authentic, be friendly, and look for those opportunities up. Marta, I’m so happy to have you here. And just the pre chat alone, like talking about our multiples. We’ve got our hands full, but would you mind sharing a little bit more about who you are? And how you got to where you are today with the listeners?
Marta Spirk: Yes. Thank you so much for having me. I’m so excited and I am just really grateful to have found you on Instagram of all places, just like what you were saying. Sometimes you run across some not very good things online, and other times you make meaningful friendships with wonderful people that you wouldn’t have met otherwise if the Internet wasn’t there, so I’m very grateful. So, I’m originally from Brazil, I was born there and raised there, but I’d always had this obsession with English and with the American culture, deep inside I really, really wanted to move to the US, migrate in America like it was a dream that I was born with, and I’m still trying to figure out where this comes from, but eventually it did happen. My mom is a pastor and she started connecting with American churches. The American pastors started going to Brazil. We started up here to conferences and that’s how I met my American husband in Tulsa, Oklahoma at a church, but we live in Denver now, and I’ve always worked as an English teacher, as an interpreter and translator. But then after I had triplets, we actually had the kids in Brazil and then we moved back. I was kind of like, what is life now? I have three babies, I’m a stay at home mom. I have always done things a million miles per hour, like always full of ideas, always busy. And of course triplets is no natural for so someone that is always doing so many things, but I wanted to do something else obviously at the same time just to keep my mind off of you know, motherhood and to have some kind of like an escape. And so, I came across personal development online while I was raising the kids. When they were nine months old, I started coaching moms online and at the time it was mostly focused on fitness and nutrition cause I was working with them multilevel marketing company. But that’s how I got really exposed to the idea of, I can help women, and coach women, and help them with their self esteem. And I feel like that came really naturally to me because of my background as a teacher, and also being brought up in church, and that’s kind of how it all started.
Kim Sutton: Oh, my gosh. Okay, forgive me Marta, because I’m nosy. I don’t like to call it nosy, I call it curious.
Marta Spirk: Yes.
Kim Sutton: So our multiples are twins, we’re not at all, planned, like–
Marta Spirk: Okay.
Kim Sutton: I said we were done.
Marta Spirk: (laughs).
Kim Sutton: I went to the doctor to make it official because they make seven between my husband and I.
Marta Spirk: Oh, wow.
Kim Sutton: Yeah. Tomorrow I’m dating this episode, but tomorrow school starts here, and I’m going to have a junior in a kindergarteners. Next year I’ll have a senior and two kindergarteners, which is insane to me, you know, I was looking forward to changing the locks on the doors after my oldest move out, but now there’s another 12 years, Anyway, that sounds so bad, listeners. I love my kids, they drive me crazy. Actually, while you were doing your intro, one broke into the office to ask if he could have a donut.
Marta Spirk: Oh dear.
Kim Sutton: But anyway. Did you have any idea like, where your kids planned? Did you have any ideas that you might have multiples? Like, I’m always just curious about that.
Marta Spirk: Yeah. No, and I love talking about it too because every story is different, and I feel like people are curious regardless when when you say you have triplets, the first thing people usually ask is, was it natural? And there’s a huge thing and I’m sure you’ve gone through this too in the multiples community, there are no artificial kids, they’re all natural.
Kim Sutton: Right, right.
Marta Spirk: But you know, people usually see, I mean spontaneous, or did you actually go through some treatment? So, we don’t really have multiples running in our family. My husband’s cousin ended up having twins after we had our triplets, but I was having a hard time getting pregnant, so I did want to. We were married for five years, and I knew I wanted to start trying because, you know, we were just, you know, going through the first few years of being together since we lived apart, long distance relationship. I figured let’s just wait it out, enjoy time, cause we were getting to know each other anyways, you know, living in different countries before. And so, once we were married for five years, I decided to stop taking the pill and start trying. And after a whole year of very irregular cycles and nothing happening, I decided to go to a specialist to see if there was something else I could do. And so we ran tests on the both of us, and I ended up finding out that I had a mild case of endometriosis, I had to go a very non invasive surgery to correct that. And I also had pcos, which made sense to me considering my cycles were so irregular, and no one had caught on that before. And so, I had, usually in the US as I’ve come to know people take Clomid, which is just a pill to help with ovulation. But what I did was actually shocked that I did myself at home, but it’s the same principle, it’s just stimulate ovulation. And I started this process in May, and in June I was pregnant with triplets.
Kim Sutton: Oh, my god.
Marta Spirk: Yes, I did have some extra assistance. But the chances of that happening, especially first time were very slim, and it just happened. And I was like, whoa.
Kim Sutton: Yeah. So, I just, here’s another question. How many times have people come up to you since you had them and said: “Oh, I always wanted.”
Marta Spirk: Oh my gosh, yes. Every time, and I’m like, I never ever, it never crossed my mind to have twins, like, I just want to–
Kim Sutton: Me either.
Marta Spirk: (laughs).
Kim Sutton: And I just, I feel so bad for saying, and I’m like, you have no idea what you wanted.
Marta Spirk: Right.
Kim Sutton: So, I had already started my business before our three youngest were born. I mean, we had four miscarriages in the first year that we were married, and we had actually given up trying. But I think that often letting that stress go of quote trying.
Marta Spirk: Yes.
Kim Sutton: I’ve seen a lot of friends that when they stop trying, like bang, pregnant.
Marta Spirk: That’s right.
Kim Sutton: Right. So we had our daughter, and then we had the twins 16 months later, completely unplanned. But I was the primary breadwinner when they were born, and my husband wasn’t working. He had, he was in school full time plus getting his degree. He’s a video game designer and I needed to make the money. I mean, just blowing up the family like that, it was just, ah. So, I was trying to figure out, and listeners, this is just a very vulnerable look at the life of Kim. I was trying to breastfeed to save money, and I had one of those, my breast friend pillows, and I was trying to figure out how to balance both of them and a wireless keyboard on the pillow so I could work (laughs).
Marta Spirk: (laughs).
Kim Sutton: It’s like, yeah, but I think in the end I was stressing myself out. So, I mean, I had to go to work. And for all your moms out there, I do not judge. You do what works best for you, you do what works best for your family, and I have to go back to, you do what works best for, because if you do not take care of you, then the heck with everybody else, you’re not going to have anything to give anyway. So yeah, I got back to work and so many mistakes, built my business completely upside down and backwards. And that’s what brings us here today because you know, I’ve sacrificed sleep, I sacrifice time with family. I’ve thought that I needed to say yes to everybody so I could make money in this completely biased. And finally this year, and yes, I’m dating the episode again, but 2019, I let God completely into my business, and I trust, and I don’t worry anymore. And it’s been a little hairy at times, but I know he has a plan, so I’m just going with it.
Marta Spirk: Yeah. Oh, I love that. That’s how it has to be.
Kim Sutton: So you started your business, you said you were an MLM, but what were some of the major pivotal points, and what gets you most excited? I know that the two questions come from that into one.
Marta Spirk: It’s interesting because I’d never really done anything like this before. It was completely different from my background in a sense, because I was teaching languages before, or doing something language-wise, even though there was the motivation piece, it had always something to do with languages. And after I became a mom and I got exposed to this, I kind of thought, this makes sense. I’d never called myself a coach before, but in essence, this is what a teacher is. And I feel like, especially, you know, owning your own business and as a coach, a lot of it has a lot to do with your own personal journey and your own journey of growth. So as I was growing into my role of a mom, and just this huge transition being a mama to triplets, I was trying to find myself again, like who am I? I don’t necessarily want to teach English anymore. I can’t really do it because I’m home with kids that demand so much on my time and my attention. And so, it was just like a matter of me finding what I wanted to do. And at the same time understanding how to find happiness as this new person that I am, having three kids depending on me. And you know, there were just a responsibility of raising humans that I had none and then all of a sudden it’s three, you know. So it was this huge transition and it just took a lot of pivoting to the place where I am right now. Cause even when I met you six months ago, I was doing something a little bit different than what I’m doing right now. And it feels like every time I get closer to what I really feel like my mission is? And what I should be doing? And everything that I have done up until this point has helped me, and it has helped other people too. But I feel like they were stepping stones into what I feel like I should be doing. So, at first I was focusing a lot on moms and their self esteem, and I still do that too. But with time, I started realizing that lots of women that are not moms were interested in this message of self esteem, which to me made a lot of sense because, so many times we end up trying to fix the things that we have been doing as moms. Whereas, if we had started paying attention to ourselves and who we really are, even before we had kids, the situation would be very different. And I really command these women that come to me even though they’re not moms yet and they’re like, I’m so interested in this, and I want to, you know, pay closer attention to me, and my thoughts, and my feelings. Because if you start doing this, even before you have kids, once you have kids, it’s kind of like easier, cause it’s going to be hard. Okay, let’s just be honest here. It’s just hard raising people. And so if you’re already thinking about these things and looking into personal development before you even have kids, it’s just, that path is already kind of opened and somewhat walked into so that you can easily find it back after you have kids. So that’s kind of where I’m at right now, helping women in general. Another thing too that I found is that, by calling things, you know, that I’m doing this for moms, it was almost like I was labeling these women as moms. And one of my missions has been, to help women see that we are more than just a wife.
Kim Sutton: Oh, my gosh.
Marta Spirk: You know what I mean?
Kim Sutton: Yes, I could give you a big hug for that. I mean, I just finished reading Girl, Stop Apologizing by Rachel Hollis. And one of the first things that she talks about in the book is that she can’t stand the label of Mompreneur and ladypreneur, you know, anything that puts our gender specific in front of what we do because we’re, while we’re trying to highlight ourselves through being that, we’re also segregating ourselves, segmenting ourselves, you know, whichever, even more so.
Marta Spirk: Exactly.
Kim Sutton: And I never thought about it before.
Marta Spirk: Ehmm, yeah, I hadn’t either. And it’s just, you know, a journey that never ends really. And you just start realizing all of these things about yourself, and about people, and the universe, and yeah. And so, recently what has happened actually, because I’ve been doing a lot of work as an interpreter here. So the kids started school this year, and I kind of picked back up that other side of my specialties, which is interpreting, which I love even more so than teaching, which is just helping Brazilians here in Denver in court, and in the hospitals, and in schools. And by connecting back with them, I kind of realized that I was neglecting, if you will, Brazilians because I was doing everything in English, because I’m living in the US, so that just seemed so natural to me. But there are a lot of Brazilians, both in Brazil and also the ones that have moved here in US. They that don’t speak very good English, that just feel so isolated, and it kind of reminded me of what I was feeling when I became a mom, because I adjusted to the culture here really well. Just like I said in the beginning, I’ve always loved English, and you know, Mariana and American was just natural and everything was fine. Adjusting to married life I think was more complicated than adjusting to the US to be honest, because I loved the culture so much. And I started realizing I have, I forgot about this transition in my life because it wasn’t so hard for me. He usually doesn’t very smoothly for other Brazilians because of the language barrier, because of the cultural differences and everything. And I thought, I could help these women that I’m helping with the language here in these hospitals, and in these courts, or whatever. I could be doing the same self-esteem, personal development work with these Brazilians that are feeling so alone and isolated here in the US, and I can help them with this. And this has been what I have been doing lately, actually, I’ve been doing a lot more work with Brazilians living in the US than English speaking women. And it has been a huge shift that I wasn’t really expecting, but it was almost like they came to me asking for help instead of me begging to help somebody else, if that makes sense.
Kim Sutton: Talk about niching down, that’s fabulous.
Marta Spirk: It is, yeah.
Kim Sutton: I mean, there’s no question about who you work with.
Marta Spirk: Ehmm.
Kim Sutton: Which I absolutely love because I don’t have many peps, peeps, but when I asked somebody who their ideal client is, and they say everyone.
Marta Spirk: Right.
Kim Sutton: It’s like, no, it’s not everyone, but I love how you are using the analogy. I mean, you having triplets, I don’t care if you have triplets or one, but the fact that you can’t just quickly pull on your pants, put on your shoes and run out for a coffee anymore because now you have to get the kid all bundled up unless if you just have one.
Marta Spirk: Yeah.
Kim Sutton: I mean, by the time you get to two or three, oh my gosh, I can’t even imagine people have more. It’s like, do I really want to run out for a coffee that bad?
Marta Spirk: Right.
Kim Sutton: So, I’m may just stay home for the next 18 years (laughs).
Marta Spirk: Yes (laughs). Yeah, it’s a huge change in reality. Like, it’s like 1/80, totally, and I feel like a lot of it, and this is what got me thinking about the big transitions in our lives. We go through huge transitions all the time, even if we don’t, you know, move to a different country when we get married is a huge transition, when we start college is a huge transition, and usually we don’t have a whole lot of support in these transitions, we just make the best out of it. You know, and maybe there’s, you know, family or friends that you can kind of rely on to talk about. But if there’s somebody out there that’s really specializes in that one transition that you’re living right now, why not seek for help? Because they understand what you’re going through, and they can give you specific tools, and specific strategies. And this is what I’ve been developing for these women, even helping them some with English, even though I don’t want to teach, but I can kind of give them some suggestions and things that they can do. And this has felt so natural to me. It’s almost like, I can’t believe I didn’t think about this before, but it really took me a while until I was in that place where I could see that I could help them like this.
Kim Sutton: So, I introduced you as success coach for moms because at all–
Marta Spirk: Yes.
Kim Sutton: Is your business taking on a new name then with your new vision?
Marta Spirk: So, I still have MOM DOES IT ALL, because I still continue on with my podcast, that’s called MOM DOES IT ALL, that’s actually the name of my LLC. But what I have done recently with this new direction was, I opened up my own virtual school, so it’s kind of like a membership site that’s called The Empowered Woman. And at first my idea was to have one in English for English speaking members, and the other one would be in Portuguese for Brazilians, whether living in Brazil or abroad. But actually the one that took off really was the one in Portuguese. I still want to target the English audience, especially because I still have listeners and people that follow me because of the podcast. But this is really recent, I literally started almost two months ago with this new vision but it’s just, it’s been crazy how it took off. So, I still have MOM DOES IT ALL, it’s still alive. I’m just still trying to balance and figure out what I’m going to do English wise because this has been, the focus has been in Portuguese for now.
Kim Sutton: I love your explanation and thank you, but I am curious about MOM DOES IT ALL.
Marta Spirk: Okay (laughs).
Kim Sutton: Because at first when, you know, when I was bringing on clients, and had gone back to work, and had the three littles, people would ask, how do you do it all? And I would make up answers, and then I realized, why are you making up answers, Kim? Just tell them the truth, I was like, oh, I’m not. I have dishes in my sink, there’s like five baskets of laundry down the stairs, I’m not doing it all. I order my groceries online, you know, there’s people who come and take care of the lawn, I’m not. So what does it all mean to you?
Marta Spirk: Right. And I love that you said that because it really is, there is not one definition. It really, what it means to any mom, their own definition and figuring that out, what it means for them to find something outside of motherhood. That was my intention with this, and a lot of it came from the fact that people always ask me: “How do you do everything? You’re always active. You’re always taking the kids everywhere, and you run this online business, and you’re doing the interpreting like, how in the world?” And just like what you said, I mean my house is not spotless. What House with the kids is spotless, you know, three kids and two dogs, it’s not. But I feel like, there is a lot of pressure for women to do it all, already. And I know that kind of, might seem a little bit contradictory with me choosing MOM DOES IT ALL. But what I meant with that is, moms have the right to do something outside of motherhood. And it doesn’t mean that they hate being moms. It doesn’t mean that they’re ungrateful for what they have. But I feel like, especially because of what we just talked about, the labeling of mompreneur, or whatever, I feel like, once we become moms, it’s almost like, forget yourself now because this is what your life is going to be for the next 18 years. But for those of us who have businesses and who do other things, it’s not true, you can still have time for yourself. Infact, you should find time for yourself. And really, I guess I should’ve just answered by saying the quote that has moved me forward with this whole project, an idea of a business is, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” That’s what I noticed when I decided to start this whole coaching journey is that I couldn’t be there for my kids 24/7, and being, you know, a housewife and all of that, if I wasn’t taking care of myself. So for me, starting this business was a form of self love and self care for me to understand what’s going on inside of me. And then that’s what evolved into helping these moms, and then helping women understand that everybody, not only women, but I feel like because we give so much, we’re so selfless with what we do as moms, we tend to forget ourselves, and we get put on the back burner. But it is assumed that that’s just the way it is. And I want to say it’s not, you can do something else, you can do it all. So you can be a mom, you can be a great mom, and you can also be a great wife, and you can also really, really love and accept yourself, but you have to do some work to get there.
Kim Sutton: Everything that you said is so beautiful, and I just want to thank you because you actually just sparked something in my head. So my husband has taken on the role of daddy daycare.
Marta Spirk: Okay.
Kim Sutton: Drives him absolutely donkey bonkers some days, that’s the best way I can say. He comes from a blue collar family, you know, and even he started really young working in factories, and he was working in factories and warehouses until we got together. I mean, and then the air force, and then just chain of events, and he went back to school and got his degree. But it’s so hard for him some days not being out there, and you know, being the breadwinner, and getting his hand started. I mean, he loves getting his hands dirty, but there are those days, this is embarrassing for me to admit, but we are on day six of really not talking to each other because I got mad last week when he said he needed a break, and I got mad because I feel like I don’t get a break. But until you were just talking, and this is me being totally transparent, it never occurred to me that, daddy needs a break too?
Marta Spirk: Yeah.
Kim Sutton: And the reason why it all came up, and this all comes back into play when he said, he needed a break a week ago. We were about to go out to dinner with my oldest friend, not age wise, but my oldest friend here in our town. I’ve lived in this town for 15 years, and while we were out having dinner, I realized that I have two local friends because I am tied to my business. I’m tied to my family, and I haven’t given myself that time to go out and do anything, because I put so much pressure on myself to do everything else.
Marta Spirk: Right.
Kim Sutton: But then as a result, I haven’t gotten my husband that chance it either, wow.
Marta Spirk: Yeah.
Kim Sutton: Like, it’s hard for me to admit because the listeners, you listeners have heard how much I love my husband. It’s hard to be to admit that we are on, like I’ve been sleeping on the couch for a week, but just being totally honest here, I think you just helped us get through this fight, and I didn’t want to be the one to give in, but I think I realized what my mistake was there.
Marta Spirk: Oh, and thank you so much for sharing. Cause that’s a very interesting perspective, and I feel like it comes with the roles, and that’s why I say, you know, I’m targeting women and moms, and really, this is a work for anybody, and it really depends on what the dad and what the mom are doing in terms of, you know, being the breadwinner for the family, and if the debt, because we’ve had several arguments here at home before about, you know, my husband just saying: “I will stay home and I’ll just take care of the kids and you can go work.” And at the same time it’s like: “No, I want to be here for them, but I just need help. I don’t want to do it all myself.” And I feel like this is a common argument with families, whether the dad is staying home or the mom. Because until you’re in that situation yourself, you don’t really realize that that one person’s work is tough, and that they need a break because it doesn’t look necessarily like a good job. And I feel like that’s what a stay at home moms go through all of the time cause it’s like: “Well you’re home all day. You can just clean, pickup stuff, and take care of the kids.” But that really is a job. So you do need to be able to take a breather and go do something else. And that’s where my whole idea came from, of finding something outside of taking care of kids, and taking care of the house. Because, while it doesn’t look like it’s a job, it really is, and you should have some time apart in a way. Because, even when you think about a marriage, and this is what I’ve been thinking cause we feel so guilty putting our kids in daycare, or just being away from our kids. But you don’t stay with your spouse, or even with a friend, or even with your mom 24/7, there’s always a time when you’re not there, but when your kids are little, they depend on you the entire time, right? And it’s really important for us to take some time away because distance really, really makes your heart grow fonder. Like, even if I don’t put my kids to bed one night, since I do it all the time, or do the bath and everything, I miss them more the next day. It’s like, I can’t wait to see them in the morning, and to go wake them up. But that probably wouldn’t have happened if I had gone and continued on with the routine of me, you know, bathing them and putting them down, it’s just, I think the way humans operate. So it’s really important to take a break and just beat with yourself. I feel like, this is what is so hard in today’s world where we’re so busy doing so many things for others that we forget that we need to take care of us too.
Kim Sutton: Absolutely. So we took, her sixth birthday is actually today, but we took our daughter to our open house last night. Now my husband and I are both introverts, which I know, if this is your first time listening to the podcast, you might be surprised. Yet you have a podcast, and you’re an introvert, and you have guests on every single episode. Yeah, I love it. Put me in a big room though and I’m exhausted at the end of the day. Put me on, you know, four podcasts, like two to three is my limit, and I’ve had enough talking to people like, tell my kids: “Don’t talk to me, I need some time.” So, we’re two introverts who seem to have given birth to a tribe of extroverts, I don’t get it. So, what I’ve noticed though is that with my kids, all my kids have gone to daycare at some point or another. Last night our daughter just ran up and got in the face of other kids, and they’re like, these other kids are like hiding behind their parents and they’re so scared to be there. But the absence from us in my opinion, did make them a little bit more prepared.
Marta Spirk: Yeah.
Kim Sutton: With that said, I’m not saying that they’re better than you or me. I mean, I have to give props though to the homeschooling moms.
Marta Spirk: Yes, definitely.
Kim Sutton: Who have in them the sanity that you have their kids home with them, you know, and to do that because that is not me, and I think Jessie ability to recognize that? Oh my gosh, you know, but I want to jump over to another thing if you don’t mind. Like, I think that we often forget that, because with husband number one, I was a stay at home mom for awhile, and I was not given permission to touch the money, which was always really hard for me. I was living outside in New York City. I just wanted to take a walk, and go to Dunkin donuts and get a coffee. You know, just, it sounds like my life revolves around coffee, it does, but you know, just get out. But I wasn’t given permission. Like, there were points where the debit card was taken away, and it went that way for a long time. But I read Worthy by Nancy Levin last year, and she’ll actually be coming on the podcast sometime in the next couple months. And one of the things that she says is that: “Even as stay at home moms, if that’s the role that you are in right now,” listeners is, “our job is enabling our significant other to do their jobs.”
Marta Spirk: Yes.
Kim Sutton: So there is, I mean we have to be conscious of our financial situation, but we are entitled to use those funds to take care of ourselves.
Marta Spirk: Yes.
Kim Sutton: Because we earned that money too.
Marta Spirk: Yes, yes, 100%.
Kim Sutton: The paycheck may not be written in our name. You know, the tax papers might not have our name on it, but when it’s a relationship, I think it needs to be 50/50, and I’m not saying that means you can go spend all your 50/50. No, 50% on luxury goods, you gotta be mindful, but you are entitled to that. I don’t want to be starting fights here, but (laughs).
Marta Spirk: No, yeah, no, totally. And it’s just, you know, tough after you become a mom because it seems like there’s no right way that you’re always second guessing, whether you decide to stay with the kids? That you’re wrong? It’s just that the whole debate of breastfeeding formula, like it never ends, it’s just forever. You’re going to have that kind of over your head of, should I do this? Or should I not as a selfish? Or should I just, you know, be paying closer attention to my kids, or myself. And I feel like, a lot of it can be taken away easier if you start realizing that it is okay for you to take some time for yourself. And one of the things that I say all of the time is that: “Kids are going to learn everything from you, most things from you. And where are they going to learn self-love? Where are they going to learn that they need to take care of themselves?” Because parenthood, they’re going to grow through these things as well. But if they have that reference from before, you know that they were taught that it’s okay to take some time for yourself, then they will remember that somehow, and that’ll be helpful. So, usually if it doesn’t work for you to think about yourself, then think about it in the context of, what am I teaching my kids in terms of self love and self care too?
Kim Sutton: Mm, that’s so beautiful.
Marta Spirk: We look at all the activities that we can send our kids up for. I mean, I want to send the girls up for dance and they want to do girl scouts, and the older boys are doing this and that, and every other thing, and we cart them around all the time. But where are we going? What are we doing for ourselves? And then, do you find, and I know you have three, so we can use the quantity as the excuse, but I think it’s a bad excuse. Do you find that you have no problem spending money on your kids, but when it comes to yourself there’s more resistance? Or is that just me? So, I have always likes buying myself things. So, I don’t know if this has just come with my personality, or with the way that I was brought up. My mom is kind of like this too. I feel like, it kind of goes both ways, and probably because I’ve been doing this work pretty much the entire time they have been alive, cause I started the coaching at nine months old when they were nine months old. I feel like it’s kind of balanced out because of that, that I understand that I have to reward myself that I need to, that I deserve it. That it’s not just, you know, my duty to take care of these kids because I’m their mom. That I can be proud of myself for putting the laundry away. That’s pretty cool that I’ve managed to do that, you know? Especially when you think that–
Kim Sutton: You put your laundry away with triplets?
Marta Spirk: I do, not all the time (laughs), but I do.
Kim Sutton: Well listeners, I’m just asking that because in full disclosure, we have three rubbermaid bins. One for each of the littles, and putting laundry away is a game of throwing the appropriate piece of clothing in the appropriate rubbermaid bin.
Marta Spirk: (laughs.
Kim Sutton: That is putting laundry away in my house (laughs).
Marta Spirk: Yeah. Well and I feel like every family has a system too, and whatever works, you know for you and your spouse, cause that’s one thing that I’ve come to realize too. Like when we look at other people’s lives and we try to compare, I feel like inspiration is great for you to try different things and see what works for you. But at the same time we have to keep in mind that if you look at another family and you feel like they’re doing so amazing, you have to realize that those are two unique individuals together that come from two different backgrounds, and families, and upbringings, and that’s just what is working for them. It might, and it probably won’t work in your context exactly the same because you’re different people, you and your husband, and your families. And so, that’s why I have loved this work so much, because while I am trying to teach you to how to live your life in the best way possible, I can’t tell you how to do it. You’re going to have to figure it out yourself. You know what I mean? And that’s what’s so tough because it’s a lot easier for you to just follow a formula and do what somebody else is doing. But it’s just, it doesn’t work 100% all the time with anything because we’re all different. You know? That’s the human piece in there that kind of ruins everything. But at the same time makes things more fun.
Kim Sutton: Ehmm.
Marta Spirk: It’s just, you know, in predictability, and that’s what makes us different. But it’s just putting in the work to figure out what works for you, what you really want. And that’s what I’ve loved about having a business is that you have to be so specific about what you want, and how much you want to make it. You can’t just, you know, wing it because otherwise it’s not going to move forward. Well, that’s how we should be living our lives. How do you ever expect to have anything if you don’t get specific about what you want and figure out what you want, because we don’t spend time thinking about these things. So that’s, I could go on.
Kim Sutton: No, I love it. So, I said my husband and I have seven kids, five of them are mine. I consider my business, my six child. Some moms may be like, that’s gross.
Marta Spirk: Yeah.
Kim Sutton: I don’t care, but my business is my sixth child. Do you consider your business your fourth?
Marta Spirk: Definitely, yeah. Because, especially once I started realizing that the way we do, one thing is the way we do everything, and that our relationships with people are a direct reflection of our relationships with ourselves. It’s really the same but it’s different. But you have to figure out who you are first, and what you like, and how you process information, and how you operate in the world to do anything. So yes, it is kind of like a baby because it’s another relationship, right?
Kim Sutton: Ehmm. What is your first thought when you hear the term, work–life balance?
Marta Spirk: So, I understand the concept but at the same time I have come to realize that there is no balance that you have to call it something because that’s how we do life, right? That’s why we developed language, you have to put a name to it, but I feel like, one of the analogies that came to me when I was teaching one of my classes in my school that everybody loved, and I was just surprised that it just came out of me was thinking about when you stand in a pedal board, I don’t know if you’ve ever done that?
Kim Sutton: I can barely stand on my feet on a solid floor (laughs), so no, but I can picture it.
Marta Spirk: That’s all about that analogy is that, you are constantly trying to find your balance. Like there is not a moment that you’re standing on that thing in water that you are not in balance completely. You never achieve balance. That’s why I say: “Balance doesn’t exist.” And that’s why I love that analogy because, I mean, imagine just standing anywhere where it’s completely that it’s moving the entire time, which is water, which is the ocean, right? You’re never in balance. It’s just not happening. It’s just you’re constantly trying. You’re only balanced if you’re maybe sitting down somewhere that’s not moving, which is not the case. But I feel like, that is a great analogy for life because I feel like there was never a time when there is a 100% balance. You’re constantly just trying to find it. And I feel like it really depends on different seasons. Sometimes you’re going to be dedicating more time to one thing than the other. And I feel like the balance really, if there is such a thing, is you figuring out over time how to delegate or allocate your time in good proportions for different things, right? So it’s impossible for you to, within one hour be dedicating the same amount of time to your kids, or into your business, or within a day. I feel like it’s over time and with life. So that’s why it’s kind of something hard to put your finger on. And again, because it looks different for everybody. So you know what you consider balance between your work and your family may not be what I consider balance, and it probably is not.
Kim Sutton: Right.
Marta Spirk: So that’s why, again it’s hard that we’re so different, and we’re so unique that while it’s good to, you know, hear from other people, and get inspiration from others, we’re never really going to get anywhere if we don’t get to know ourselves.
Kim Sutton: Absolutely. Well I was sharing with you before we pushed record that in kindergarten starting tomorrow, she walks and i’ll be walking her. So, I’m so looking forward to, you know, having the wing of a shower, makeup and exercise five days a week. You know, that is some, but other people may like, look at that and be like, well I get that every day going to a job. Well, yeah.
Marta Spirk: Yeah.
Kim Sutton: I mean, and that’s funny too because I think it’s easy to judge people and there can be judgment going both ways. We can judge people who have a job and they can judge us, but there’s not really balance in either direction. I mean, somebody could be sitting in a cubicle for nine hours a day and there’s no interaction with the kids, and it could be going both ways. What is one quote, or verse, or anything that you live your life by?
Marta Spirk: So, I was just going to say, and that’s why we’re like, Work–life balance is figuring out what it is for you, that’s it. What is Work–life balance? Figure it out what it means for you. You figure it out. Because if you have a job, then that looks different from somebody that does not have a job. So, there’s no way of defining it. You have to define it yourself, and find it yourself. But that was just a little–
Kim Sutton: Oh no, I love it. Figuring out for you, that’s amazing.
Marta Spirk: Yeah. So one of the quotes that I love so much that it started me on this journey for sure was, you can’t pour from an empty cup. But there was another one that I found not too long ago that really put me on this journey of even more so of self love, and self care, and self acceptance, and self discovery, which was coincidentally I was looking for, I was trying to really narrow in my colors for my brand. And while I was looking on Pinterest, I actually found a quote that had the colors on it that was for a baby girl’s room, cause it’s like pink and green. And it said: “To my daughter, I will say see your beauty without a mirror and without a compliment.” And that just really made me teary at that point because I was thinking about it in the context of saying that to my daughter, but also saying that to me, and to every woman, and every person. Because so often we look for validation, and we look for assurance, you know, for our identity and everything that we do from other people. Than the end, if you can’t find that within yourself, it doesn’t matter, right? It doesn’t matter. And that’s what we see with celebrities, and with so many people that, you know, rise to the top and end up miserable. They get all this fortune, they get all this fame. But if you don’t have all of that within you first, it won’t matter. I’m sure you’ve seen documentaries and people talking about this, how they got all the things that anyone could ever want in their lives and they were still unhappy. And why is that?
Kim Sutton: Ehmm.
Marta Spirk: You know? So, I feel like if we find a way of learning how to really see our own beauty, and see who we are without depending on others to do it for us, then that’s true happiness. And that’s true fulfillment of happy life (laughs).
Kim Sutton: Wow. Okay. Well, I didn’t have any other questions, and now I can’t even think of another question that would provide any more value than that. And I just want to say it took me over 30 years to be able to say that I found myself beautiful and it wasn’t based on a mirror compliment. I mean, I’m 40 it took me another, let me just be honest, 10 years to be confident, and I still struggle with that. But–
Marta Spirk: Yeah.
Kim Sutton: Oh my gosh, there’s a beauty in that beautiful statement. So thank you so much for sharing.
Marta Spirk: You’re so welcome. Glad you like that.
Kim Sutton: Marta, where’s the best place for people to find you online, connect, and get to know more?
Marta Spirk: So, I hang out a lot on Instagram, obviously that’s where we found, so it’s just martaspirk, and I also have a couple other accounts, one for my Portuguese followers, and also one for the podcast. MOM DOES IT ALL PODCAST as well. So if you type in martaspirk, or MOM DOES IT ALL your sure to find me somehow.
Kim Sutton: Amazing. Listeners, I will have links to everywhere where you can find Marta on the website in the show notes, which you can find at thekimsutton.com/PP607. Marta, thank you so much. I’ve never been excited to hang up from a podcast before, but I’m excited to go say sorry to my husband.
Marta Spirk: Oh, I’m so glad Kim, makes me so happy.
Kim Sutton: You know, I know that’s not necessarily what you do, but I just want to thank you because for the dadpreneurs out there, and you know daddy daycare, you’re doing a great job.
Marta Spirk: Well, I’m glad to hear that. Maybe it’s a different audience that can reach in the future.
Kim Sutton: Yeah, but I mean, I think that we forget about it as moms, that there are dads out there who are doing the same thing.
Marta Spirk: Exactly, yes.
Kim Sutton: But thank you again so much.
Marta Spirk: Thank you too. I’m excited to listen to it once it comes up.
Kim Sutton: Do you have a parting piece of advice or a golden nugget that you can share with listeners? You’ve already given so many, but just one more.
Marta Spirk: I feel like it really boils down to, get to know yourself. What do you really want out of life? Who are you? Do you really know who you are? We don’t take time to think about these things. One of the things that I always recommend people do, and I know there are several different personality tests out there, but I recommend taking the enneagram tests if you haven’t cause that’s by far the one that I have identified the most with, and it really, really gives you insight not only into yourself but other people too, because that’s the beauty of getting to know yourself. Once you get to know yourself, you start understanding people more and that’s how you improve relationships, because you understand where they’re coming from. Probably, somewhere different than you are coming from, but then you know you start making connections and it’s a lot more pleasant to be around people and to make relationships better.