What the Bible Really Says About Relationships That Cause Harm
Dearest friend, if you have spent any time in church, or in a faith-based community, there is a chance that, at some point, someone handed you Scripture and told you to stay, submit, forgive, try harder, be more patient, or pray more.
And since you’re here reading this, I suspect part of you has wondered, perhaps quietly and in the middle of the night, whether God really intended that for you, or if his Word meant for you to remain in a relationship that was slowly dismantling the person He created you to be.
I want to sit with you in that question today, because it matters and because I have been the woman awake and asking those questions in the middle of the night.
The question matters more than you may possibly imagine because the answer, the real, full, honest answer, the answer rooted in Scripture, is not what you may have been told.
The Bible was never meant to be a weapon used against the people God loves most.
For too many Christian women, Scripture has been used as a tool of control rather than a source of freedom. But a careful, prayerful look at what God’s Word actually says tells a profoundly different story, one of dignity, protection, fierce love, and a God who is never the author of your suffering.
The Most Misused Scriptures Around Abuse
Let’s start here, because this is where so many women get stuck.
You may have been handed passages about wifely submission (Ephesians 5), turning the other cheek (Matthew 5:39), or the permanence of marriage. You may have been told that forgiveness means returning, that enduring suffering is Christlike, or that leaving is the same as giving up on God.
These passages are real, and they are beautiful, in their proper, full context. But they have been stripped of that context and used in ways that their authors never intended and God never sanctioned.
Take the call to submission in Ephesians 5. Read in its entirety, that passage begins with a mutual call for believers to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ (verse 21). The husband’s role is then described as one of sacrificial, self-giving love, the kind of love that lays itself down for another’s good. That is not a picture of dominance. It is a picture of servanthood.
Turning the other cheek, from the Sermon on the Mount, was Jesus’ response to a culture of personal retaliation and public humiliation, a teaching about refusing to be defined by an offense. It was not a divine mandate for women to remain in cycles of ongoing abuse.
And forgiveness, precious, healing, God-given forgiveness, is absolutely a biblical call. But forgiveness and proximity are not the same thing. They never have been. We’ll come back to this.
Context matters. God’s Word interpreted fully and honestly has never called anyone to accept ongoing harm as an act of faithfulness.
What God’s Word Actually Calls Love
If you want to know what God says about love, start in 1 Corinthians 13. This passage is read at weddings, stitched onto throw pillows, and quoted in greeting cards. But read it slowly, with your own story in mind, and see what it actually says:
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” (1 Corinthians 13:4–7)
Love does not delight in evil and love does not dishonor others. Love does not keep a record of wrongs to use as ammunition and love protects.
A relationship that consistently harms, belittles, controls, isolates, or degrades the person you are does not reflect the love God designed. Full stop. This is not my interpretation; it is what the text says.
And then there is Proverbs 22:24–25, a passage that often gets overlooked in these conversations:
“Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn their ways and get yourself ensnared.” (Proverbs 22:24–25)
God’s Word acknowledges, directly and practically, that some relationships are dangerous. It’s not addressing every difficult relationship, but relationships characterized by uncontrolled anger, volatility, and harm are what Scripture explicitly warns against.
God is not calling you to remain ensnared. He is warning you against becoming so.
Proverbs is God’s practical wisdom, and it speaks plainly about dangerous relationships.
God as Protector, Not Passive Observer
One of the most damaging theological ideas that women in abusive relationships sometimes absorb is this: that God is watching quietly, perhaps even willing the suffering, and that enduring it is somehow holy.
This is not the case, and this, imagined version of God is not the God of the Bible.
Scripture is filled, from beginning to end, with a God who hears the cries of the oppressed, who sees the suffering of the vulnerable, and who intervenes on behalf of those who are harmed. This is not peripheral to His character, it is central to it.
In Isaiah 1:17, God commands His people: “Learn to do right; seek justice. Defend the oppressed. Take up the cause of the fatherless; plead the case of the widow.”
Psalm 72:4 describes the righteous ruler, who images God Himself, as one who “defends the afflicted among the people and saves the children of the needy; he will crush the oppressor.”
God is not passive in the face of injustice. He does not look away. He does not ask His daughters to quietly absorb harm and call it sanctification.
And this protection does not apply only to relationships between strangers, or to scenarios outside the home. God’s heart for the oppressed does not stop at a front door.
God’s call to defend the oppressed does not have an asterisk that reads: “unless it’s happening in your marriage.”
Forgiveness Does Not Require Continued Exposure
This may be the section you have needed most, so I want to say it slowly and clearly.
Forgiveness is real, and it is one of the most powerful gifts God gives His children. It is the release of a debt, the choice to lay down your claim to the offense and hand it to God rather than carry it yourself. Forgiveness sets the forgiver free. It is not primarily for the person who caused the harm; it is for you.
But forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. Reconciliation requires two willing, changed participants. It requires demonstrated repentance; not just words, but a changed pattern of behavior over time. Reconciliation is a possibility in some situations, but it is not the automatic destination after forgiveness.
And forgiveness is absolutely not the same as returning to proximity with someone who continues to cause harm. You can forgive someone fully, hold no bitterness toward them, release them to God, even pray for their healing, and simultaneously choose, wisely and faithfully, not to remain in a relationship that endangers your physical, emotional, or spiritual safety.
Consider Romans 12:18, which is often quoted in these discussions: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”
“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:18)
Notice the conditional language: if it is possible. As far as it depends on you. Paul, under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, acknowledges that peace is not always possible, that sometimes, despite your best efforts, you cannot create safety in a relationship because the other person will not participate in it. When that is true, your obligation is not to remain at cost to yourself. Your obligation, fulfilled, was to try.
You can fully forgive someone and still choose not to remain where you are harmed. These things are not in contradiction.
The God Who Sees and Cares
I want to close with a story.
In Genesis 16, there is a woman named Hagar. She is not the main character of the narrative but is a servant, without power, and in a situation that is painful, complicated, and not her choice. She runs, not from a bad attitude, but from genuine mistreatment.
And in the wilderness, God finds her. He sees her and speaks to her. And she responds with one of the most tender and remarkable names for God in all of Scripture:
“She gave this name to the LORD who spoke to her: ‘You are the God who sees me,’ for she said, ‘I have now seen the One who sees me.’” (Genesis 16:13)
El Roi. The God who sees.
He saw Hagar in her wilderness and was not unmoved by her suffering. God did not tell her that her pain was her fault or quote Scripture, sending her on her way without first acknowledging what she had endured.
God sees you, too.
Whatever you have been told, about your worth, about your fault, or about what God expects of you in a relationship that has harmed you, I want you to know this: God’s love for you is the standard. Not the behavior of someone who claimed to love you and did not. Not the distorted interpretation of Scripture that kept you small and afraid. The standard is the love described in 1 Corinthians 13, protection described in Psalm 72, and justice described in Isaiah 1.
Nothing God asks of you was ever intended to sanction your harm.
You are not broken, have not been abandoned and are not invisible.
El Roi — the God who sees — has never stopped seeing you.
A Gentle First Step
If this resonated with something inside you, I am so glad you’re here. And if you are ready to take a gentle first step toward reclaiming the safety that God always intended for you, I invite you to download the Safe Again Workbook — a free, faith-based resource designed for women just like you, at exactly this moment in your journey.
You can find it at thekimsutton.com/safeagain. No pressure. No rush. God heals patiently, not forcefully, and so does this work.
With love and hope,
Kim
If you or someone you know is experiencing an unsafe relationship, please reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. Help is available 24/7.
