PP 653: Building Better Relationships with Bryan Falchuk
“I would say that if you hear the word, “just,” watch out. Because what you’re about to hear is just totally off base. Like, you’re over-simplifying it.” – Bryan Falchuk
Nearly 500 episodes after his first appearance on the Positive Productivity podcast, Bryan Falchuk returns for another inspiring conversation with Kim Sutton. Tune in to hear about the transformations Bryan has experienced personally, in his work, and in his relationships as well as to hear truly transparent stories from Kim and Bryan.
4:02 The power of being a guest
06:02 The struggle of doing what we love
07:10 Finding the time
11:31 Connecting ON flights
13:14 Missing the 100
20:32 Not rocking the boat
25:29 Kim’s mental music playlist
31:37 Open Heart Clear Mind
39:06 Responding differently
43:48 Taking and giving space
45:32 Basic human needs
47:44 How Bryan writes
53:45 Transparency and authenticity
“I won’t associate with people who aren’t of high integrity.” – Kim Sutton
“In a sense, the traveling was about escaping the relationship I needed to work on.” – Bryan Falchuk
“I would say that if you hear the word, “just,” watch out. Because what you’re about to hear is just totally off base. Like, you’re over-simplifying it.” – Bryan Falchuk
“In the context of fighting with someone or being mistreated by someone, if you get yelled at by someone, you have to realize that’s not actually what they want. They didn’t wake up that morning and go, “Oh it’s a really nice day today. You know what I’d love to do today? Let me find Bryan. I really want to scream at him. No, there’s something going on inside of them that they want. And they feel like you’re a threat to that, or you stand in the way, or you’re working against it, or something that is taking away from that quest for the thing that they care about.” – Bryan Falchuk
“When you get cut off and you feel personally attacked or offended, let me remind you: When that person got on the highway or the road or wherever you are, they weren’t seeking out your car to get in front of you. That’s not the happiness they were seeking. When they got on the highway or got on the road, they’re trying to get wherever they’re going. And for whatever reason they felt like getting in front of you, that one car difference, that would make them happier, would bring them closer to their goal, and that’s what they needed. You just happened to be the random person who they spotted your car.” – Bryan Falchuk
“Life is life and it will continue to be hard.” – Bryan Falchuk
“It’s not a linear path to “better.” You’ll have better days and you’ll have worse days.” – Bryan Falchuk
About Bryan Falchuk:
Bryan is a best-selling author, speaker and life coach. He has faced major adversities and learned how to overcome and achieve.
EPISODE TRANSCRIPTION: BRYAN FALCHUK
Kim Sutton: Hey, my friend, I welcome you back to the Positive Productivity podcast. I’m so happy that you’re here listening today because I know this conversation is going to be so incredible. And I know that because it’s with my friend Bryan Falchuk.
But I want to ask you while you’re listening when you hear that big aha, could you hop on over to your favorite listening platform and leave a rating and review not only for me, but for our guests today, Bryan Falchuk, because he is also a podcaster.
Kim Sutton: Just a reminder that even though we are on this side of the microphone, we love, cherish, appreciate, put in any other adjectives that you want right here, your feedback and we do respond because we, like you, are humans and love feedback. It’s what keeps us going.
But our guest today is my dear friend Bryan Falchuk. He was our guest on episode 168, so I can’t believe… what… I am not in a math state this morning… Bryan… It’s been 500 episodes.
Bryan Falchuk: It’s crazy, Kim.
Kim Sutton: I don’t ask me to do any more math, but I mean, just so much has changed, but so little has changed, Which is something that I love. We can just pick up, we can keep on chatting.
I mean, listeners, we just did that last week on Bryan’s show, so there will be a link in the show notes to Bryan…. I’m on Bryan’s show.
Kim Sutton: But, Bryan, would you mind giving a brief overview of who you are, but I’m gonna just say listeners go back and listen to Episode 162 because I really want this to be a part two and you’ll get so much greatness over there, too.
Bryan Falchuk: Well, and that’s we really dug into like my personal backstory, and I’m sure we’ll touch on that stuff, but I like I came away moved, which I don’t know if that sounds egotistical, like talking about myself, move me but it’s like, you get in a conversation like that, excuse me with someone you just click with and it moves you forward.
Bryan Falchuk: You know, like it…. It’s a way of doing introspection and self work through the conversation. And, I mean, I like that was the first time we ever talked, and I just felt totally, like close and connected to you. And obviously you felt it too.
Bryan Falchuk: And that’s why we… Then, you know, you invited me into this mastermind you were setting up and we’ve stayed connected ever since. But it was it was a pretty deep conversation considering we’d never spoken before.
Kim Sutton: Absolutely. So I was sharing with Bryan just before we got on here that I’ve been spending a little bit of time recently cleaning up old episodes, optimizing the SEO on them, getting them onto Pinterest and just this in the past few days Bryan’s first episode was actually one that was cleaned up.
But Bryan, yesterday I was cleaning up a couple from and I’m just gonna throw the name out there, but a couple people from Interview Valet. And it was really fascinating to listen to them because we were talking about the power of podcasting and not necessarily being a podcaster. Being a guest I was about to say being a guester.
Bryan Falchuk: That should be a word.
Kim Sutton: I know, right? Guester.
And just like you were saying just now, really, that first conversation is a true testament to the power of being a guest. Because the Unretireables, I think, I think Michael Levitt was the one that I had initially talked to about it, but he’s a former guest, too, on the positive productivity podcasts. But Michael and I had talked about meeting once a week to stay accountable, and then you and I had this fabulous chat. Then you also introduced me to Aaron Keith Hawkins.
Bryan Falchuk: Yeah.
Kim Sutton: And then Roger came in. All the people that I’m talking about, listeners, are former guests, and they’re really… I won’t associate with people who are either Integrity. And Bryan is included.
This whole group was high integrity and we named ourselves the Unretireables because although some people were still working full time jobs, some of us were already entrepreneurs. But at the end of the day we all knew that we had a passion that… at the end of our career if it if it’s full time but even when we’re 70 if we’re still employed we don’t see ourselves being able to retire because we love what we do that much.
Bryan Falchuk: Yeah, yeah, it was (?). The name was not about just kicking back on the beach although nothing wrong with that. I will take it if I can get it.
Kim Sutton: Mmmm Hmm.
Bryan Falchuk: But about when you’re… When you’re doing something that’s connected to your purpose to your passion that you feel a reason for doing beyond having income to pay the bills. It’s not something you ever want to stop and so it was like we’re not able to retire even if we’re technically retired or retired from corporate life or you know, that more structured like working for someone else kind of space.
Kim Sutton: Absolutely, Bryan, I’ve noticed and you’ve seen this pattern with me, that there’s sometimes a struggle with doing what we love, because we love it so much that we’re willing to do it for free.
Bryan Falchuk: Yeah.
Kim Sutton: But if we do it for free, then we struggle financially.
Bryan Falchuk: Yeah.
Kim Sutton: And then we feel more inclined to do things that we don’t love to do.
Bryan Falchuk: Yeah.
Kim Sutton: And it’s a vicious circle.
Bryan Falchuk: Well, and it’s like, we when we do it for free, or for less than we should do it for we have to do more of it. So like we end up working 24/7, undervalued, doing things for a insufficient value. Because we’re stuck in chase mode. And you don’t want to say no to anything because you need that little bit extra. But it’s like, none of that really values what you could be creating, and so it takes away from the impact you get to have.
Kim Sutton: When you were on the first time, you were traveling back and forth to Atlanta, like every single week from Boston.
Bryan Falchuk: Yeah. Sometimes I went to other cities, but yeah, I was I didn’t have a job in town. My my office was, you know, thousand miles away.
Kim Sutton: For anybody who’s listening, if you are working a full time job, and you dream of starting your business, a business, and you don’t know how you’re gonna find time, you can find the time.
Bryan, where were you finding the time?
Bryan Falchuk: Well, you know, I was really tired, because it’s a rough life. So like Monday morning, I was up at like 2:00 or 2:30 in the morning to catch up first flight out of Boston to Atlanta. But I also found myself with like, five to six hours a week, on a plane, at least actually, because there’s plenty of weeks where I be in multiple cities flying between all of them.
Bryan Falchuk: And it was like, look, you know, I have work to do, and I get my work done. But I also could be just vegging out and watching a show or reading or I don’t really sleep on planes. So I didn’t you know, I didn’t have that issue. But Why don’t I make something of this? Like, I have all this time and yeah, there’s inflight Wi Fi, but I’m super cheap. So I’m not paying 10 bucks.
Bryan Falchuk: So it was like, no one’s gonna bother me. Why can’t I create for myself and you know that the thing that we talked about when I was on the first time was my first book, Do A Day that was almost entirely written on planes. And like 35 40% of it something like that was written the morning after I had the idea for it on a flight from San Francisco to Boston, because it’s a really long flight, and I was just so inspired. And no one expected to hear from me all day because they knew I’d be on this long flight. So it was like, I’m just gonna run with this.
Bryan Falchuk: And I… I dedicated all of the lifestyle costs that I had for my job, to trying to build something more around my purpose. And that was that was a conscious choice and it were there plenty of times where I was just exhausted or frustrated or really just wanted to watch a show and just just kind of shut my brain off. But I got so much out of engaging that way and making that time my own that I’m really glad I did it.
Bryan Falchuk: You know, I got… Every time we landed I was like, “Oh no, just like five more minutes“. You know, like you get so into it and you feel what you’re creating.
Kim Sutton: I have so much to say on that.
Number one: I don’t sleep on planes on purpose because I’ve woken myself up snoring on plants.
Bryan Falchuk: It’s not good for your neck.
Kim Sutton: No, absolutely not. And carrying around those little U shaped pillows, it’s… That’s just a hazard for me. I mean, I can… You know, Bryan, I mean, I spilt my bottle of water in my lap just before we hopped on the call today. So it’s just, it really is… it’s a hazard waiting to happen. I mean, I’m gonna spill my coffee or somebody else’s.
Number two: I always assumed that you would purchase the monthly Wi Fi pack and were making a conscious decision not to use it.
Bryan Falchuk: No, no. I mean, I will say like I earned status with a, a plus i guess a plus a less preferred or a less plus whatever it is status was Southwest really quickly, once they started flying Atlanta to Boston. That’s who I flew. And so I did have free Wi Fi, like my second year on the job. I just didn’t use it very much, on purpose.
Kim Sutton: I wish we had Southwest. I remember having a whole conversation about Southwest with you.
Bryan Falchuk: Yeah, cuz I was trying to give you my points, my air miles to fly somewhere.
Kim Sutton: To fly to San Diego. Yeah. I… Listeners, Bryan has known me through the good, the bad and the ugly. And I think I was down to maybe three days before I was supposed to be in San Diego and I still hadn’t purchased my flight yet.
Bryan Falchuk: And I’m like, I’m a super planner. So I’m feeling all anxious about like she doesn’t havee her ticket! What’s going on? Like, we got to get this! You know, I’m all worked up like I’m gonna miss a flight.
Kim Sutton: Yep. Somehow it all worked out. Not with Southwest because that was gonna require me to drive to Indianapolis or something.
Bryan Falchuk: Yeah, yeah.
Kim Sutton: And then… I love… I didn’t do this on purpose because there’s no part of the show that is on purpose. But the third point that I wanted to bring up will segue perfectly into your book.
Bryan Falchuk: Okay.
Kim Sutton: When you’re on flights, or when you were on flights, I often found a mix between wanting to connect to people and wanting them to leave me the heck alone. Because I’m an introvert and I’ve had awesome, incredible conversations come out of traveling, but at the same time, there are those times that I’m just like, “Don’t even look at me.”
Bryan Falchuk: Yeah.
Kim Sutton: “Don’t ask me what my name is. Don’t ask me why I’m flying.” You know? And I feel so antisocial then, but there’s, there’s those times that I just want to be left alone. I’m and I wish I did sleep. But seriously that that time that I worked myself up snoring I mean, that scarred me for life, I just can’t do it anymore.
So how did your book, The 50 75 solution: Build Better Relationships, how did that come about? I mean, was it I just had to ask, was it at all inspired by relationship building while traveling?
Bryan Falchuk: No, not at all. I mean, in a sense, the traveling was about escaping the relationship I needed to work on.
So I have to correct you because the title is not a good title. It’s not catchy, it’s not memorable. It’s odd and and you messed it up. So I guess you’d call it out just because…
Kim Sutton: Oh…
Bryan Falchuk: So it’s the 5075 100 solution with it.
Kim Sutton: Okay.
Bryan Falchuk: And it’s about building better relationships. One hundred, what you’re working for is 100% better, because that’s what
Kim Sutton: (?)
Bryan Falchuk: You’re working towards it. And like, I don’t I don’t condone anyone for doing that because it’s not… Most people like… What is it? 25 50 75 Hike? It’s like a football quarterback calling out the plays.
Kim Sutton: What did I say? Because I’m staring right at it…
Bryan Falchuk: 50 75 solution.
Kim Sutton: Oh my gosh. But isn’t that so? It’s so appropriate, though, because that hundred is the hardest. That’s what we miss.
(Transcription still being cleaned up. Thanks for checking it out!)
Bryan Falchuk: Yeah, yeah. Well, and it’s really interesting. I mean, most people get the 50 and they lose the rest of it. And the 50 is how most of us live our relationships a 5050, you versus me, us versus them. Kind of locking horns. Like, if you could see me right now. I’m like, bashing my fist together, like punching each other because that’s how we tend to go into it. It’s like, why are they treating me this way? Why are they so difficult? Why won’t they love me more? Why won’t they give me that promotion? Why, why why and it’s like all directed at them. And you feel totally powerless and stuck, unable to change all of their horribleness towards you. And so their relations is going to be less than it should be. And it doesn’t mean it’s like terrible. Maybe it’s just it’s like a, you know, like, you know, really like my coworker but like, it’s fine, we’ll deal with it well, what if it can be better. So whether it’s like genuinely bad, or just not as good as it could be, there’s still room to make it better. And when you don’t see yourself having a hand in effecting a change on their part, you feel powerless, and you feel stuck. And you kind of whether you realize it or not, you kind of just give up. And that’s where I think almost all of us find ourselves at least in one relationship in our lives, more likely all of them. But that’s where I was at too. And to be fair, like, I’m not over that hump. So with all that travel, you know, married, I have a son. I talked about all that in my first book, and in my wife almost passed away in 2011. And that’s like, that’s this. This aha kind of wake up moment I faced that became the genesis for my first book do a day. And it also meant that our relationship or our roles in that relationship took very specific patterns or definitions. Like I was the guy who did the stuff. And our life was very focused around her needs and her, you know, how she’s feeling and where she’s at risk because we almost lost her. So like, it’s all understandable. You know, I did the cooking and cleaning and I worked and you know, even though I was gone five days a week, I still made all the food did all the laundry, did all that grocery shopping, clean the house like I did everything in those two days. So the two days I was home were just like crazy. Just to try to minimize her burden, because she was still left with a lot relative to her health status and her energy levels and so, you know, for her to be able to be alone. for five days with no help, it really helps have like, you know, dinners are already cooked and waiting in the fridge or the freezer and you know, you don’t have to worry about the clothes or whatever. Just get up, get our son fed into school and, you know, do whatever you got to do during the day and then heat stuff up at night. And like, do bath time and bedtime. And that’s it.
But it also,
yeah, can I interrupt because you said and I just want to back up before we get too far because I think this is really relevant that you said that you were escaping. But I’ve seen part of me that was escaping even the relationship with myself. Oh, completely. We’re in the 5075 100 does creating that solid relationship with self come in.
So that’s really what do a day is about. And the way I see it do a day is about your relationship with yourself and how you feel about yourself like your self worth your sense of your true motivation. Your your passions, you know, we talked about like doing work you care about well, like if you don’t even know what you care about how do you know what the work would be? Right? And and figure out how to channel that clarity and that belief in yourself that you’re capable and deserving of whatever definition of better you have towards actually overcoming what you face and achieving it. And that is, it’s very much a personal journey towards like an internal, better when you and what I found is like, while I had, I had done that work, and it’s something you live every day, like done is not the right word for it. I still, despite all the things I was achieving, and all that, I still had difficult relationships, and I still felt like this is not the life that I really want. It’s not like I’m not happy enough. And before it’s not that I didn’t, I wasn’t aware of that. It’s that I didn’t really think I deserved better or it’s just like well that’s just how it It is now because of how I valued myself and I saw my own potential. I don’t think it’s just how it is. I think it’s something we need to do something about. And so that’s really what sparked 5075 100 is my struggles in my relationship with my wife. And to be fair, like plenty of other relationships too, like I talk about stuff at work. You know, other family members, siblings, parents, step parents, like, lots of different relationships that we face. I just wanted them to be better. And I kept finding myself at the end of the day, like, after a tough interaction, like why did they do this? Why don’t they just, you know, like, a lot of why, and just and them mentality. I would say, if you hear the word just watch out because what you’re about to hear is just totally off base. It’s like, you’re oversimplifying it, like Can’t you just be nice? Oh, okay. Yeah, it wasn’t, wasn’t thinking of that. Like, let me just completely shift gears and just be nice because there’s no reason why it wasn’t Being nice in your eyes.
Wow. I’m thinking back to how many times I’ve already seen said just in this conversation, but I took I know it’s a different context. Can’t you just stop? Right? There’s work in it. There absolutely is. I I’m even thinking back so 2009 2008 I lost my job 2009 I was introduced to law of attraction which, whether it’s the law of attraction or mindset and mindfulness, you know, practices because I know they can be the same but very different. I had never been part of my life before, how it was with how it was in I don’t want to say that my parents raised me to settle. But as far as thinking big that wasn’t really part of our upbringing. Yeah, the best that you can be right now. You’re going to get a job and you know, you can negotiate for your Starting wage but don’t really think too far out. Just do the best that you can do right now. So being introduced to the law of attraction, I’m just going to pinpoint that totally changed me. And I remember just this one day that very day, my first interaction with my now ex husband when I realized I have the right to be happy, and I choose if I’m happy or not, that was completely life changing for me. And for the first five years or so, with my, with my current husband, we are both in this seat of why to say we we were in a five year extended honeymoon without the honeymoon period. Everything was hunky dory. But we also we did our best to please each other. And we didn’t really express when we weren’t happy with anything. We were trying not to rock the boat. But then I realized Wait a second. There’s something really wrong here. Like, I’m not happy with this. So I can keep on not being unhappy or not being happy and just not say anything because I don’t want to rock the boat, or I can express it and that’s what relationship in a relationship would we should have that ability, that freedom to share what we’re feeling without being told that our feelings are wrong. And I think from my first marriage, to my second marriage, that was a big underlying fear of mine was sharing my feelings and being told that my feelings are wrong. But it’s two sided to because I found myself when, when those doors were open in my relationship now, I had to be willing to accept it. The other way too, and I, these past five years have not been the blissful honeymoon state of the first five years, because now we’re both expressing how we feel and there’s a lot of there’s a lot of junk with Just put it that way. There’s a lot of junk. Yeah. Yeah, I get that. But we can work our way through it. I think a lot of the time now, we have to realize that we do a lot of assuming. Yep. We assume how the other person’s feeling we assume how what they think. And letting the assumptions go. This is fresh, by the way, because we just actually had a discussion. It wasn’t an argument last night. And I had to say, you know, sometimes, okay, this is completely TMI, I wasn’t in the mood, okay. And he thought it was all about him. And I said, sometimes it’s not all about you. I’m tired. I’m stressed. It has nothing to do with if I’m attracted to you or not. Yeah. So learn to have faith in me and understand that I’m in love with you. I’m attracted to you. It is just in this very moment. No, I don’t want to say It doesn’t have anything to do with me wanting you or not. Yeah, but we can we can blow it up. You think? Oh my gosh, there must be something seriously wrong here. Well often there’s not it’s don’t make mountains out of molehills.
Yeah. Friends of mine, Nicola name’s Sam and pat are Patrick Patty. they’ve written this relationship book after they actually went through the divorce process. Their lawyer was just lazy and never filed the papers. And a year later, they had started to reconcile and wanted to get back together and found they didn’t actually have to do anything. They were still together. But one of the things they talk about in their books that I absolutely love is this idea of not owning it, like don’t own their feelings don’t make it about you. If like, you know, they had a bad day, and they’re snapping at you like that doesn’t feel good, but it may not have anything to do with you. And so if you can separate from that you’re less likely to react and you know, then it ruins Your days like just recognize, like, Whoa, okay. They’re going through something. I don’t think I deserve that. It’s not about me. I’m just gonna step back versus like, how dare you and what do you mean, you don’t love me? And it’s like now they’re just reacting because they’re dealing with something. And that’s kind of what humans do.
I didn’t know that they were your friends there for
another two. They’re awesome. There are a lot of fun.
I wonder if you’re the reason that they were on my show. I’m crazy.
I met them last August. So how funny.
I don’t know when you would have them on. I mean, I definitely told them a bunch of shows. But
before before last August. Yeah,
yeah, so wouldn’t be me then. Yeah. Wow. We’re on the same. We’re on the same orbit. I love it.
Yeah. I can never believe how every single day the world gets smaller.
Bryan Falchuk: Totally.
Kim Sutton: So, I don’t feel completely right saying this, but I have to say that one of my best coping making mechanisms lately. I mean, while your wife has had her health issues, my husband has PTSD and and he’s disabled. So he’s got severe back pain. And sometimes those are projected outward, and I understand because he’s in a lot of pain. And I’ve had to realize there’s only so much that I can do. I can try to make it easier but there’s only so much that I can do so when he gets in One of these things, yes, the best way I can say it, I’ve actually created a mental music track that I will flip the switch on, I will just turn it on in my brain and listen to it while he’s going off because it looks clever. It works amazingly, until you accidentally start singing while they’re still going, which I’ve done but accidentally, but I had to do something because when, when the, for lack of any better expression when the verbal vomit was coming, you know, I realized that I, I was soaking too much of it in and that wasn’t mine to own and I had to do something to protect my space. Some more spiritual people will say, grounding and put up your coconut and whatever, that doesn’t work for me. So the mental music playlist really started to work.
Interesting. We all need mechanisms. Yeah. Well, so I that’s kind of what I was in search of initially. So you know, things were, were not great between us. And the good thing was like, I just had to make it through till, like Sunday night, and then I could get into bed and then no one would see me again until Friday night. So, you know, when you said like, was the traveling, like the relationships on the planes and whatever is that was the book, it was more of the fact that like, Yes, I had to go to my job. But there’s also a reason why, like, it was probably the best thing for us to, for me to be gone so frequently, because we just we’re headed in the wrong direction. And we were around each other too much without really knowing how to work through it. So you know, that the distance kind of forced us to not engage, which is terrible. And then like, you know, we’re both so burnt out on the weekend and I was like, running around. Like a chicken with its head cut off trying to get stuff done because I had such a limited amount of time and so much to do that it’s not like we were connecting meaningfully that. And I’d be like, passed out at nine, nine at night. Like as soon as our son was in bed, I’d be like out cold.
I was about to say, when did you ever get any time for yourself? Because I know that even when you were traveling? Yeah, I mean, you. There were nights that and I think the unretire bowls would mean it nine o’clock or so. Yeah, you would
just sleep on a couple of those calls. I guess. You did.
You would just be getting back from the office. And there were some nights that you were still hopping onto calls afterwards. Yeah. didn’t find any time for yourself.
I did. You know, I’m a morning person. And so I just got up early and part of the downside of my Monday flights is like my circadian rhythm was just like toast so I generally wake up between three and five every morning. I work out a lot And so like, that was my time. And you know, had all this plane time and to be fair, like I was alone five days a week, like four nights. You know, I’m either in this apartment I had an Atlanta or in, you know, some Hotel in New York City or San Francisco or Chicago. Sometimes White Plains, New York, which is definitely not in the top three versus those other cities.
Kim Sutton: I’m familiar with White Plains.
Bryan Falchuk: Nothing wrong with White Plains, but I think even people in White Plains say like, yeah, I get it. Like, I’d rather go to San Francisco or Chicago.
You know, or like whatever Dallas or some other city,
I guess the traffic without all the perks.
Bryan Falchuk: That’s I think that’s pretty well said, yeah.
There was a queue job or something in the parking lot of the Sheraton I would stay at sometimes that was like, I would go out to the Cujo. But that was my event for the night. Anyway, God we end up talking about just the most, like we talked about brussel sprouts and lettuce when you’re on my show. Yep. So, like, you know, we kept butting heads. And of course, we each feel like you’re the problem not me, I’ve done all this work on fine and you’re broken. And you know, of course, we were each right. Cuz it was both of us. So like, you know, my wife’s in system, like, you need to go talk to a therapist, which I had done in the past. And I was totally fine with that. And I was like, you know, I always had this block that like, they had to be in Boston, and so I couldn’t see anyone. And I was like, Oh, wait, they could totally be in Atlanta. And you know, like, I do have some dead time here and there, I can certainly schedule it. It was very senior at the company. So like, if I wanted to leave it for for an appointment, I can, I don’t have to get clearance from anyone like i’d report it to the CEO like, I could do what I needed to. So I can make that work. So I found someone in Atlanta and my intention was to like The song in your head like, I just need some coping mechanisms to deal with how she’s treating me. So like, if I could just not get pulled into it if I could just not react and just let her go off and then she’ll fizzle out, but not get on or make it worse. That’s what I need. And it’s hard for me. So, you know, I just need to be able to deal with her being so bad to me. Uh, luckily, like the therapists author that she’s like, Yeah, right, buddy. You got to do some work yourself. Like it’s not all your wife. It’s both of us. And one of the things that she introduced me to was this book called Open Heart clear mind by a Buddhist monk named hooked in children. That is, to this day, the most amazing thing I’ve ever read.
And what is the title one more time open heart clear mind.
And I, I reference it so frequently. I just set up a link like an easy link. It’s just Brian Falchuk comm slash whoa HCM For open heart clear mind, and that’ll take you right through to the book on Amazon. It’s awesome. And so I get it, and I start reading it pretty much right away. And I’m like, 30% through it a couple days in. And I remember I was sitting at my son’s karate dojo while he was in class, like the Saturday that I got it. And I just, I think I said out loud, like, Whoa, and the parents are all buried in their phones. So no one actually, you know, reacted or anything but I had this like, like, you’re talking about snoring on the plane. It was like, Oh, God, people. Oh, no, no one cares, okay.
Bryan Falchuk: But I was totally blown away. Once I got over the embarrassment of like, shouting at Whoa, in front of 20 people who don’t know me.
But they were just idea and I kept doing it like idea after idea that just made sense to me in life as a whole, but I really got it in the relationship context. And there were three things in particular, that I was like these three things together give me an extremely different sense of what’s going on in any not just my wife in any relationship. And more importantly, like reading them was the first time I felt like, hey, you’ve got some power here. You’re not just at the, you know, it’s not 5050 you’re not just at the mercy of the horrible person on the other side of the table, like you can, you can do something other than just biting your lip, which is all I thought I could do. And that, that just woke me up. And so I started to think through the three things are happiness seeking, interdependence, and impermanence and happiness seeking is the big one. That’s where I shout it out. Whoa. And it’s just the idea that it goes back to what we’re saying before is everyone just seeks to be happy. That’s why we do everything we do. Mm hmm. And in the context of fighting with someone or being mistreated by someone, if you know, if you get yelled at by someone you have to realize like that’s not actually what they Wasn’t there? They didn’t wake up that morning like, Oh, it’s really nice that you wouldn’t love to do today. Let me find Brian, I just want to scream at him, like happy crate, let me just do that no, like there’s something going on inside of them that they want. And they feel that you’re a threat to that. Or you stand in the way or you’re working against it or something that is taking away from that quest they have for the thing that they care about and the context I use to explain it to people so that they really get it. And this literally happened like the week after I started the book is being stuck in traffic and getting cut off and we’ve all been there. Maybe it was in White Plains, you know, maybe isn’t Boston or some other city but like we’ve all been cut off on the road before or experienced road rage at the hands of someone else. And if we haven’t like you’re amazing, you’re extremely lucky but you probably understand the concept.
I get cut off in my small town all the time. So it
totally like it happens. And what most people do is they Yeah, well, they honk their horn. Maybe they try to cut the person back off like to get them back.
I’ve seen birds that are in any bird book.
And then you’re like, Oh, God, the kids are in the backseat. Did I just do that? And it’s not like the person hears you, but like,
Hey, I didn’t say I did it.
Yeah, you’re asking for a friend. No, I hear you.
But it’s, you know, like, we’re doing all these things back, but nothing’s actually achieved. And we’re worked up. And especially like, if you try to cut them off in response, you might just cause an accident. So you’re just escalating it. But what I realized and like I live in Boston, it happens plenty and I was in Atlanta a lot and I had a car down there and sorry for everyone. I’m gonna offend down there because there’s like 7 million people there but or two or whatever it is. They’re not the best drivers. Sorry. And you all live with insane traffic. And I just think like, you could get yourself through that if you drove more purposefully, like we do in Boston and no people come down on us for this. But when you get cut off and you feel personally attacked or offended, let me remind you, when that person got on the highway or the road or wherever you are, they weren’t seeking out your car to get in front of you. That’s not the happiness they were seeking. When they got on the highway or got on the road, they’re trying to get where they’re going. And for whatever reason, they felt like getting in front of you that one car difference is all like that would make them happier, it would bring them closer to their goal, and that’s what they needed. You just happen to be the random person who they spotted your car. But like, so I got cut off by this van that had like a plumber logo on it. And, and, you know, my normal response would be like, you know, I’m gonna teach him or he’s not gonna get in front of me or like, you know, that insert some word. Yeah, you know, unkind thing to say about him. But actually, it’s like, okay, when he got on the highway, he wasn’t like, Where’s that blue car? Let me find That one Oh, there he is like, he doesn’t know who I am. He wasn’t seeking me out. This isn’t like a chase scene in a movie. You know, like, there’s no connection here. He just wanted to get where he was going. Funny enough. That’s exactly what I wanted to. So instead of feeling attacked, suddenly it’s like, Oh, I get it. I understand what he’s after. And he just made a call that was like, one car is all I needed. Right? And, you know, and I’m sure there were others too. And so I didn’t feel worked up and actually, like when it was happening, I had a smile on my face, and I let him in. And it’s like, Okay, so now I’m one car further back. Does that really matter? And I was getting off the next exit. He was still sitting in traffic. So it’s like, actually, I’m fine. He’s still stuck in traffic. Oh, and by the way, he’s a plumber. Maybe like someone’s house is flooding. Maybe their toilet overflowed. Maybe their boiler isn’t working. Maybe it’s like an elderly person who, you know, it’s like there’s a risk to their life because their house is freezing cold now.
You just have to deal with poop all day.
Yeah, like any number of things, you don’t know what and like just a regular car, you don’t know if that person’s like racing home to race into the hospital to see like, you know, someone they care about who’s been in an accident, like you don’t know anything about their story. But you took it personally when it wasn’t meant to be. And even if outwardly they were attacking you, like if someone, you know, just comes at you, and they’re calling you names, and they’re nasty to you. It’s not that they’re not doing that. But there’s a different reason underlying it, why they’re doing it. And they may not even understand that it could be that, you know, they’ve suffered a lot of trauma. Maybe they were abused, and that’s why they’re abusing you. And for them, it’s about that abuse makes them feel like they don’t have control and don’t have power. And so they lash out and they follow the same behavior they wish they didn’t suffer through because it gives them a sense of control and power. Even just an A moment. And I’m not justifying it. I’m not saying it’s right. I’m not saying you should allow it or you should stand for it. But what I am saying is recognizing that can help you respond differently and find a different path forward, which may mean you know, if it’s not like a life threatening situation, or you’re not being abused or something. And in those cases, I, you know, I’m very clear in the book, like, I’m not saying you sit there and get beaten, that is not the answer. But if it’s one where you know, like my wife and I, or a co worker who was just terrible to me, maybe there’s another way that I can interact with them that would bring about a change in their behavior. And that was this wake up that I started to have through the idea of happiness seeking.
Well, I want to clarify one thing, like in what I started to do, because I drive a 1996 GMC conversion van, I can’t wait until the day when I can stop saying that. This beast sometimes takes a little while to actually move Yeah. And people get irritated. You know, when when they’re running late for work. But when they would honk at me and show me the bird, I started showing them a smile. And I love you like Santa sign language chime back. Yeah. And the looks of confusion on their face are classic. Yeah. So I don’t feed into it number one because of my kids. But number two, because I love the looks of surprise when I show them a smile, and I love your time. I want to thank you because you just gave me a whole bunch of clarity. And I had started getting the clarity last night, but we’re coming out of a weekend I already shared. You know, my husband has his back issues. And there were about two days when I was just not happy because I was not getting the attention and the warm fuzzies from my husband that I wanted, and I’m not saying I needed him to sit by me and watch, you know, hold my hand and all that. No, but he he was like, it felt like the cold shoulder. Yeah. Talking last night and we had gotten our lawn mower back from repair on Saturday, two days ago. Yeah. And he went out and mowed the lawn. We have two teenagers that he should have designated it to. Yeah, but he went out and did it and the lawn was like a foot long. Yeah. Okay, so that’s a beast. Yeah. By the end of mowing our lawn, he was wrecked. It never even clicked to me. While this guy’s in pain, he also didn’t chair it. But I had taken it personally. Yeah. And I, I just hadn’t even stepped back. And then my husband will not directly related. My husband had a track history, a woman who would use and abuse him before me. So we actually broke up before we got married for a few months, because he was waiting for me to use and abuse him. He didn’t see how, you know, I could actually this is gonna make me some big Big headed but I’m not.
He didn’t see how he could actually be as good as he thought I was pretending to be. You thought, you know, Kim, that’s really common. It’s really common. You break there’s, it’s like there’s a third person in the relationship.
Yeah. So we had broken up for a bit and then we got back together and he realized, oh my gosh, so there are actually good people out there. I mean, wife number one kept on leaving him when he was deployed. When he was in the service like you would get home to an empty house. And wife number two, cheated on him the second that he got re stationed, like in the weeks that in between when she was going to be re stationed to be with him. She slept with everybody else in the shop. So and then there were other you know, girlfriends and such who equally mistreated. But I realized it goes both ways. He thought that he had to give give gifts in he. He let me notice really early. He’s all about doing things for other people. Yeah, when we forget to do things for ourselves, which I think now at 14, you know, he still struggles to realize he has to do things for himself.
Yeah. Yeah. It’s really hard for a lot of people to grasp.
Yeah. Like I asked him a couple weeks ago, I said, Do you just want to, like, just go for go for a drive? Just get out of here? I mean, even go sit in the van if you want to for a little bit and get some quiet. Yeah. Just get out of here. Because you need that space. And you don’t give yourself that space. Yeah. And until we do, until we start realizing that we can take that space, then we don’t know how to give this space to other people. Yes. What do you find is where do you see the biggest incline? In the 5075 100. And I know there’s not like Well, unless you created it. There’s no roadmap that says this is this percentage, this is this percentage, but where do you see the biggest incline?
So I don’t, I’m not a prescriptive person. I do think every situation is unique. And that’s why I like there isn’t a workbook. So I think that the hardest part is, there’s, there’s a, there’s a couple of things. One is just recognizing this happiness seeking idea in the moments. Like, it’s a really, it’s not a concept when I talk to people about it, like nah, that doesn’t sound right. You know, when we’re like having a calm discussion or being interviewed or something or you know, doing a coaching session, people get it. But when you’re actually in the midst of the fight, and the person’s actually saying those things to you and your your brains like overheating, that’s tougher. So there’s definitely something in the application of it. And that’s why what I talked about in the book is it’s pre work before you find yourself in those states. So that you have you have the reference points, like, okay, you know, when we get in this kind of argument, what’s that really about? Right? What are they after? Like, you know, I anger my wife when I do this or my boss comes down to me when you know when x, right? What is it that they might want not like, what am I doing? Because a lot of people like nothing else. That’s the default answer, but it’s like, what do they actually want from me? And it’s through just thinking through that. But you start to get to some really basic human needs. And that’s, you know, I talked about that in the book is like, ultimately, my wife just wanted to feel that her concerns are validated, not rushed off, like my response to like, I’m freaking out about this. It’s like, no, it’s gonna be fine because I’m a fixer. And like, I don’t, I don’t want the anxiety of it. I’m like, you know, we’re gonna be okay, we just do this and it’s gonna be fine. And for her that just feels like You know her brain is it’s brushing her off and her brain is telling her Danger, danger, danger. And then this person who she’s turning to is saying no, there’s no danger don’t listen. And and so her brains like oh my god, no one even gets it. There’s even more danger now. So it’s like I’m actually making it worse. So she wants to feel validated and heard and like, Look, if this really is dangerous, I know this person’s watching out. So they’ll take me to the hospital or they’ll, you know, do whatever it is not that they’re ignoring it and thinking it’s the boy who cried wolf.
yeah, you you stopped working in Atlanta, in 2018. And then I have been back in Boston full time,
Bryan Falchuk: Sort of. So for 2019, I was working with a startup I had been advising, I joined them full time for a year to do sales. And so I was on the road a lot. But I wasn’t gone five days a week, but I was gone almost every week, at least one night pretty consistently. There were a few weeks where I’d be home, but I traveled a lot, but it’s different.
Did you finish the book before you left the company in Atlanta, no startup.
Now, before I started the startup, and not before I left the company, I pretty much finished it. The problem was my last year at the company was really intense and very emotionally draining. And so, I struggled on those flights to write like I did, when I was writing to a day because I, I had a lot of other work to do like my core job and be I was really, really burnt out. And so it was like, you know, it’s sit down to write, and I would have to spend so much time just reorienting myself to the material that, you know, I had like an hour and a half of laptop time on the flight. Most of it was burnt up just getting myself back into the project. And so I made very little progress for a long time and I don’t, I don’t write like that. Like they’re people like just write a page a day and No less than a year later you’re have your book. That’s not how I write, I write in thoughts. So when I have a thought I want to discuss, I need to write it out fully. And the chapters are structured that way. They’re their ideas. So I need to work through that idea. So it was when I left the company, that book was probably like 70% done. And then I could dedicate some more time to it, including like, I spoke in New Jersey and opted to take the train there and it’s like a five or six hour train ride. So the train ride down is when I finished all the writing and the train ride back is when I did a lot of the editing because I just had to look good, long time to just sit and read and write.
Right. How much did that adjustment plan to final revisions and editing of the book?
It definitely like I’ve really felt detached from the words of the book I felt I felt super connected to the idea, because I’ve been living it and like, you know, I’ve been coaching people with it. Like, I definitely still feel connected to the idea. But because the book was written in such fits and starts when I, when I left the job in late October of 2018, and really was like, it almost all admit like it felt like a burden, like, Oh, you know, I gotta go back. And basically, I felt like I probably have to rip the whole thing up. The good news is apparently had done a much better job than I thought it did. Because as I reread it, I reread like cover to cover what I’d written, I was like, Oh, alright, I get this. And I was like, Okay, I need to jiggle this around a little bit. I definitely need to blow this argument out. And then the piece that wasn’t written yet is and this is how all my books are, are my first two books at least my third one’s different.
Yeah, totally different space. But my like my self help or personal development books. The last section is always about application. So I take you through different situations in life and how can you take this thing you just learned about in the first part of the book and apply it to that situation. That’s really what I was building out in the fall months before starting the next job and then I started the job in February and just kind of slowly worked through the Edit process. I have an editor who I think the world of I listened to other people and worked with a different editor and he was terrible took forever and ended up ghosting me and delivering about 30% of the Edit just taking half the money so that you know that delayed everything I also was trying to time it around like when do I want to release the book? So yeah, just it took a while to put this one out. Very different process from the first one, but I I genuinely love the finished product. But it took me having the mental space to re engage with it to be able to see that
I have found in my business that the, the phrase the cobblers, kids shoes are always broken is totally the case. Because I mean, I do marketing automation for people. And at this very moment when we are recording, I don’t know that any of my funnels are working right now. They all worked at some point. But I haven’t checked them all out at any other point. Have you been living by what you have you been walking your talk talking your walk whichever way that goes? Because I know that you’re, I mean, and times have changed. I’ve been really I’ve been really trying to make this non date specific but time if times have changed. And now you are at home. Yeah.
Bryan Falchuk: How’s it going?
Yeah. How’s it going? Yeah. And I know that’s getting really nosy so I’m sorry. No, I’m not sorry, at the same time.
Bryan Falchuk: Well, you know, it’s it’s better than it was Before any of this, I have the tools to navigate things in a way that I didn’t before. I’ll also be totally transparent, like, it’s also really tough. And, you know, I’m going through lots of stuff myself, that just make it trickier for me to be actively mindful in each of those moments where I may otherwise feel attacked. There’s a lot of times where I think I’ve done really well and I can totally see like, in the moment, like, okay, the old me would have been screaming right now or snapping back or whatever. And I’m just like, there are a few times in the past week where I’m like, my wife, like, came to me and like, wanted comfort, when moments before she had been screaming at me about something. Because of how I responded, yeah. And so like, you know, that would just never have happened in those, you know, those three years or even before the three years really But you know, there’s other times where like, I also have, I had back surgeries, I’ve got back issues. I’m exhausted, like, I get my own stuff. And I’m not, I’m not working for anyone right now for the first time ever, like I took the plunge to do my own thing fully. And then the you know, the world stopped. And so like all the speaking activity, I have like a, I got all this activity going and it all vanished overnight. And so I’ve got all of that anxiety and like, you know, how am I going to pay the bills and that kind of stuff.
So I just wanted to share with you that part of like, part of with so that it’s not First off, listeners, I hope you understand that we are being totally authentic and transparent here and it’s it doesn’t mean that we’re any less awesome. And when you are admitting that you are not okay, that’s okay. That’s more than okay. Yeah. Like you have to know that If you’re struggling is not only Alright, but almost Well, not even almost, it’s your responsibility to seek out the support that you need, whether it’s a friend or a significant other or professional help to get the support that you need and move forward. So I don’t want you to think any less of us for being transparent, because I think that’s where a lot of other people get it wrong. Yeah.
And oh, no, I wouldn’t do it any other way.
Yeah. And it’s taken me a while to admit that because we’re here, you know, we are influencers. I think some people look at influencers as being bigger. I’m trying to figure out the words I’m trying to use but have the spotlight and you know, 50 gazillion followers know, just by being out there and sharing your message you are an influencer. So if if you’re listening and you’re sharing your message, you are in influencer. And I think the mistake that too many influencers get into is not sharing the imperfections. Yeah. So last night when we were having this discussion, and I was sharing with my husband that I was stressed, and he’s like, Well, what do you think is the worst case scenario and something that I found is that I think we’re in a better situation now than we’ve ever been in. So I’m putting a lot of weight on myself to do what I can do now to make sure that we come out of this world change in an even better situation. I don’t mean financially, I just mean having my own system set up. So there’s a lot of weight there. And his first thing he’s an he’s a fixer to, in that those when you said that, I almost started laughing because those are the exact words that he’s used. So you wanted to jump in and fix right away in give me solutions right away. And there’s a lot of times, just like your way of just You’re thinking about your wife, I just want to be listened to, and be able to, just by being able to spill it out of my mouth, then I feel so much better. Yeah, yeah. But sometimes I’m that balloon that when I keep it all inside, I’m just gonna pop. Yeah. Yeah. I’ve never used that metaphor before. But that is a
good one. Yeah. Well, I mean, I think the only way we can be as authentic and you know, all the things I’m saying I’m dealing with are not. It’s not me complaining, and it’s not me making excuses. Just like, Look, I’m human. And just because I wrote this book doesn’t mean like, we go around skipping and smiling, you know, looking into each other’s eyes and like, her health is still very much an issue and she’s got lots of stuff on her shoulders and lots of concerns. And this situation we’re in, is amplifying all that. So, my point being, I think we are in a better place than we were. I think we have tools we didn’t have before. And that’s not just me. She’s also done work and we’ve done work together. But life is life and it will continue to be hard. And I think one of the key things to learn from that is when I talked to some of the folks, I coach and they say things like, you know, it’s really busy at work, I just need to get through this, or my husband and I or my wife and I’ve been struggling because like, you know, their parent is in the hospital or like, whatever the stress is, we just need to get through that hip replacement, and then we’ll be okay. It’s like, no, that’s not life. Life isn’t that we’re just right, like, we just need to get through x, well, like, life doesn’t just suddenly become fine. Always in forever after that. We deal with things. You know, we have ups and we have downs and you can’t, you can’t predicate your happiness on everything being smooth because you’re gonna fail. So you have to do the work, whether things are smooth or bumpy. And you have to recognize that better is not it’s not a linear path to better like you will have better days and you will have worst days and you’ll have days when you’re alone. I really feel good about how we did with that. You have days like this socks and I can’t, you know, like will never work out. And that’s normal. Have some compassion for it. But do keep at it.
I love that you use the word normal, because I used to use that just we just need to get through this. I can’t wait until life is normal. And by normal I meant without the chaos. Yeah. And there was that big day that I realized, oh my gosh, no such thing and this is going to make the life of Kim sound. Crazy, but there is not a day without chaos in the house of Kim. In the sentence. It doesn’t happen. And if there is a day where there is no chaos, you know, no splinters, no falls. No broken glasses, no nothing. Then that is an abnormal day around here.
Yeah, you get a worry. And then people are like, you know, I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
would employ what you have enjoy what you have. Exactly? Yeah. Brian, can you give the name of your book again, since I do such a good job?
Bryan Falchuk: Well, okay, so secretly, I don’t mind when people get it wrong because it’s a chance to have that conversation and embed into people’s minds more. But it’s the 5075 100 solution, build better relationships. And those numbers are just about our shares in the relationship dynamic, whether it’s 5050, which I don’t believe in 75 is about you actually having influence over half of them. So you get another quarter of the whole. And if you can do that, then you can move to 100% better. So that’s the 5075 100 solution. And there’s even a graphic inside so you can understand the numbers. It’s not a math lesson. Hmm.
I kept on thinking all through while we were talking about this, that I wanted to throw one more book out there, but I didn’t want to overshadow yours. And this is not meant to overshadow it’s complimentary. Dare to lead by Bernie Brown. there’s a there’s a story that she tells in there about her husband, he goes into the refrigerator and it’s dear delete. It’s not a I mean, yes, there’s part of relationships and leadership. Actually, leadership is about relationships, but it’s a whole nother like, context. So I think it would be a very complimentary, yeah, her husband goes into the refrigerator to get a ham or something into something. Don’t we have any ham or something like that? And she took it personally. And the whole chapter, I’m not going to give it away because it’s just so interesting to read it from Bernie Browns perspective. You know, here’s here is truly an influencer who admits that she took you know, she thought it was a personal attack when actually it wasn’t. So, listeners. We have given so many great resources including Brian’s books do a day and the 5075 100 solution build better relationships nicely So, I invite you to go over to the show notes page where you can find all the resources, find the transcript. And please leave a comment. Let us know what your aha is where. So to find the show notes, please head on over to Kim satin comm forward slash pp. 653. And really leave, leave your comments down below. We love comments. We love feedback, and we will respond. Because if we don’t know that you’re listening, I don’t I don’t. I had something great. I was going to say, but it really does a lot for us to know that you’re listening to know how we can better serve you and to know what an impact that we’re making in your life. So please do Brian also share about your podcast, please?
Bryan Falchuk: Oh, yeah. So my podcast is called do a day. It used to be called the doula day podcast. And then Justin shank made a great point like why do we have to? We don’t say so and so radio show or TV show, we just call it a show. So I’m going to own the popular Casting as a regular media outlet. It’s called do a day. And it’s my book do a day is my story of overcoming and achieving. And the show is a chance to share the stories of other amazing people who have their own context in their own stories so that if my story didn’t resonate, maybe one of theirs will. And I’m really lucky to get to do that. I just passed Episode 100. So I’m very excited for that. I got a long way to go to catch up to you, Kim. But I wouldn’t
because I started it with a daily show. So yeah,
no, I’m not stress. I’m not but I am excited to still be doing it and I have been Honestly, I genuinely mean the word blessed to get to connect with the people that I have. And I’ve I find myself inspired by every episode, which is how I know that it’s working and I should keep doing it. So hopefully other people will too.
It’s like millions of dollars. free coaching isn’t it?
Yeah. And now I think I should charge more per hour to get up to that millions part but um, yeah, no, it’s it’s just it’s such a great way to hear people who are like, wow like it Yeah, I went through that too or I’m going through that too or Okay, I’m not gonna do that but that really resonates with me and I see how what they did could help me.
That was just so beautiful. I’m not even going to try to top it off. Brian, where’s the best place for people to go connect with you learn more and get to see more of your awesomeness.
So thank you. So people can get everything at Brian Falchuk calm. It’s br ya and FA l ch uk.com. My books, my podcast, my articles, everything and I’m Brian Falchuk all over social media.
Fabulous. Brian, do you? Well first we’re not going to wait another 500 500 episodes. Before we do a part three, so I’m just putting it out there, okay? Do you have a parting piece of advice or a golden nugget that you can share with listeners,
Bryan Falchuk: I really do think this notion of happiness seeking is something literally every human being needs to spend more time with. And, you know, the context we talked about was thinking about the happiness that the other person is seeking. So that you can step down yourself and your response, but also think about what to appeal to in them. Like if you know what they actually want, then you can redirect your words and your actions towards that or towards showing them that you can actually support that desire not not be a threat to it. But back to an early point you made about ourselves. You can’t really do this unless you understand the happiness you seek yourself. So to understand what you actually care about, and what you wish for, spend that time to do that. Whether like you said it’s just stepping out and sitting in that Car alone or, you know going for a walk or even just taking an extra couple of minutes in the shower actually sit down in the shower and just let the water hit my head and just think you need to understand what it is you really want if you expect your life to make you happy.